How To Handle Unhealthy Family Relationships During The Holidays
The Holidays are fast approaching and I’ve got a few tips to help you deal with what we often hear being referred to as “toxic” family members.
I personally find that the word “toxic” has been thrown around loosely on the internet over the past two years. It’s extremely generalized, where people are deemed as toxic, when in fact we’re referring to the dynamics in the relationship as damaging or detrimental.
For the sake of my comfort and peace of mind as a therapist, we’ll replace “toxic” by “unhealthy relationships” throughout this blog.
So, what are some things that indicate unhealthy relationships with family members?
A relationship with family members can be deemed as unhealthy when your interactions with them cause a real threat to your mental health, or overall well-being.
It can look like the following:
Blatant disregard for your expressed needs. You’ve repeatedly stated what you need, but your family member seems to be making a conscious effort to ignore them, which can be a sign of disrespect.
Unwanted comments regarding different aspects of your personal life, such as your career, relationships, physical appearance, life goals, etc.
“When are you getting married?” “Have you gained/lost weight since we last saw you?” “How’s your little job going?” “When are you going to have a kid?”- all those questions fall into this category.
Feeling overly anxious prior to participating in family gatherings: walking on eggshells and being overly worried about everything you say or do - are indicators of unhealthy relationships, or the state of your relationships with those you’re engaging with.
Why are unhealthy family relationships more difficult to navigate during the holidays?
Handling unhealthy relationships during the holidays is more challenging as people can feel trapped out of fulfilling an obligation, or maintaining family traditions.
Throughout the rest of the year, you probably have made a conscious effort to stay away from family members with whom you know you have difficult relationships; but, it can be hard to escape during the holidays.
If you aren’t the host, you probably don’t have a say on who's on the guest list, which creates more opportunities for your boundaries to be crossed.
Here’s a few tips to help make your time around them a little easier.
Be aware of your expectations: Don’t expect things to suddenly be different knowing that you’ve had difficult interactions with some of your family members in the past in a similar setting. The lower your expectations, the less likely you’ll be hurt.
You can’t control their behavior: It can be tempting to try to get people to act in the way we’d want them to. It’s important to remember that we have no control on their behaviors.
The only thing we can control is our reaction. Ever noticed how two people in the same room can react differently to something that was said, it’s because they each have their own experiences which determine their triggers and have an impact on how they respond.
Set limits to how long you’ll stay: Take some time to think about your personal limits in social settings. Holiday gatherings tend to run for hours, but you don’t have to stay the entire time.
If 90 minutes is what you’ll be able to give without pulling your hair out, it’s okay to set that limit. You can also communicate it to the host prior to attending, as a way to reduce surprises as much as possible when it’s time for you to leave.
When is it okay to skip a family holiday?
If you’ve already tried all these tips and you’ve made adjustments to your own behavior, yet still find that nothing has changed over the years, it’s okay to skip the family gathering!
If the idea of skipping it altogether makes you feel relieved and less anxious, it’s a sign that it might be best to stay home. Attending an event that is negatively impacting your mental health is not beneficial for you, nor the people you’ll be around.
If you’ve noticed yourself getting so frustrated that you explode due to years of bottling up your feelings, and saying things you’ve regretted later, it’s definitely a sign to skip the gathering.
I hope you find those tips helpful in helping you navigate the holiday season.
Wishing you Happy Holidays and a Wonderful New Year ahead!
If you’re interested in reading more, check out the other blogs.
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