Why Motivation Isn’t Enough: The One Thing You Need to Actually Stick to Your Goals
- You start strong.
- You’re motivated.
- You set the goal.
- You make the plan.
- You commit to doing it this time. For real.
Then two weeks later, you’ve stopped. The motivation is gone. You can’t remember why this seemed so important. You feel like a failure. Again. Because this is the third time you’ve tried to start exercising. Or the fifth time you’ve promised yourself you’d stop people-pleasing. Or the tenth time you’ve said you’re going to set boundaries with your family.
Here’s what everyone gets wrong about change: they think motivation is what makes it happen. They wait until they “feel like it” to take action. But motivation is temporary. Instead, it’s a feeling that comes and goes. You can’t rely on it.
The people who actually stick to their goals aren’t more motivated than you. Rather, they have something more powerful than motivation. They have a reason why. A deep, personal reason that matters even when motivation disappears.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with people trying to make lasting changes, we see this pattern from time to time. Clients come in saying “I know I should exercise more” or “I know I need to set boundaries.” But when we ask why it matters to them personally, they can’t answer. And that’s why they can’t stick to it.
The truth is, if you don’t know why something is important to you specifically, it’s going to be almost impossible to maintain when things get hard. This guide will show you why motivation fails, how to find your real why, and the practical steps to make change stick.
Why Motivation Always Runs Out
Motivation feels powerful when you have it. You’re energized. You’re ready to change everything. You create detailed plans. You make big commitments. Then a few days or weeks later, the motivation evaporates. And you’re back where you started.
This isn’t because you’re weak or undisciplined. Instead, it’s because motivation is an emotion. And emotions are temporary by nature. You can’t build lasting change on a foundation that shifts constantly.
What motivation actually is:
Motivation is the feeling of wanting to do something. It’s driven by excitement, novelty, or sometimes desperation. When you’re motivated, taking action feels easy. But motivation requires certain conditions to exist. You need to feel energized, hopeful, and focused. The moment life gets stressful, you get sick, or something disrupts your routine, motivation disappears.
Why relying on motivation doesn’t work:
You’ll only take action when you feel like it. But most important things require consistent action, not just occasional bursts when you’re feeling good. When motivation drops (and it always does), you stop. Then you feel guilty about stopping, which makes it even harder to restart. This creates a cycle of starting and quitting that destroys your confidence.
The motivation trap:
Many people spend years waiting to feel motivated before they take action.
- “I’ll start when I feel ready.”
- “I’ll do it when I have more energy.”
- “I’ll begin after things calm down.”
But that moment of perfect motivation rarely comes. Instead, you just waste time waiting for a feeling that isn’t reliable.
What Actually Drives Lasting Change
If motivation isn’t enough, what is? The answer is purpose. Specifically, knowing your personal why. When you have a clear reason that matters deeply to you, you take action even when you don’t feel like it. Because the reason is bigger than the temporary discomfort.
What a strong “why” looks like:
It’s personal and specific to your life, not generic. It connects to your values and what you want your life to be about. It’s compelling enough to pull you through hard days. It makes the sacrifice worth it even when you’re tired, stressed, or unmotivated.
Examples of weak vs. strong reasons:
Weak: “I should exercise more because it’s healthy.” Strong: “I want to exercise so I can keep up with my kids and be present for their childhood instead of exhausted all the time.”
Weak: “I need to set boundaries because everyone says I should.” Strong: “I want to set boundaries because I’m tired of resenting people I care about. I want genuine relationships where I’m not secretly angry all the time.”
Weak: “I should eat better.” Strong: “I want to eat better because my dad died of a heart attack at 55 and I don’t want my kids to lose me young like I lost him.”
The difference:
The weak reasons are about obligation. “Should” language. External pressure. They don’t connect to anything meaningful. The strong reasons are about values. They connect to something you care about deeply. They create emotional pull, not just logical understanding.
How to Find Your Real Why
Most people skip this step. They jump straight to the action plan without figuring out why it matters. Then they wonder why they can’t stick to it. Don’t make that mistake. Take time to get clear on your why before you start.
Step 1: Ask “Why Does This Matter to Me?” Five Times
Pick the goal or change you’re trying to make. Then ask yourself “Why does this matter to me?” Write down the answer. Then ask again: “Why does that matter to me?” Keep going five times. Each layer gets deeper and closer to your real reason.
Example:
Goal: I want to set boundaries with my mother.
Why does this matter? Because I’m tired of her calling me ten times a day.
Why does that matter? Because it’s stressful and interrupts my work.
Why does that matter? Because I can’t focus and then I feel behind and anxious.
Why does that matter? Because I want to feel calm and in control of my time.
Why does that matter? Because I spent my whole childhood feeling like my needs didn’t matter. I don’t want to live that way anymore.
Now you’ve found the real why: It’s not about the phone calls. Instead, it’s about reclaiming your right to have needs and honoring yourself. That’s powerful enough to sustain boundary-setting even when it’s uncomfortable.
Step 2: Connect to Your Values, Not External Expectations
Many goals aren’t actually yours. They’re things you think you should want because society, your family, or social media told you to want them. These goals won’t stick because they don’t connect to your actual values.
How to tell if a goal is really yours:
Ask: “If no one knew I was doing this, would I still want to do it?” If the answer is no, you’re chasing external validation, not internal values. Ask: “What would this change give me that I actually want?” If your answer focuses on how others would see you differently, it’s probably not your real goal.
Finding your actual values:
Think about moments when you felt most fulfilled or alive. What were you doing? What values were you honoring? When you feel resentful or drained, which values are being violated? Your values are what you want your life to be about. Your why should connect to these values.
Example:
Maybe you think you want to lose weight. But when you dig deeper, you realize you value feeling strong and capable in your body. That’s different than wanting to look a certain way. Connecting to “I want to feel strong” is more sustainable than “I want to look good in photos.”
Step 3: Make Your Why Visible and Specific
Once you’ve identified your real why, make it concrete. Vague reasons don’t pull you through hard moments. Instead, specific, vivid reasons do.
How to make your why visible:
Write it down in detail. Not just “I want to be healthy.” Instead: “I want to be healthy so I can play with my grandkids without getting winded. I want to be the grandparent who takes them on adventures, not the one who sits on the sidelines.”
Put it somewhere you’ll see it daily. On your bathroom mirror. As your phone wallpaper. On a note card in your car. When motivation drops, you need the reminder of why you started.
Create a mental image:
Imagine your life if you make this change. What does a typical Tuesday look like? How do you feel? What are you doing that you can’t do now? Make it so specific you can almost feel it. This mental image becomes something to move toward when the path gets difficult.
The Three Practical Steps That Make Change Stick
Knowing your why is crucial. But you also need practical strategies to turn that why into consistent action. Here’s what actually works.
Strategy 1: Start With the Smallest Possible Action
Most people set goals that are too big. They try to change everything at once. Then when they can’t maintain it, they quit completely. This all-or-nothing approach guarantees failure.
Why tiny actions work better:
Your brain resists big changes. But it can handle small ones. When you make the action small enough, you remove the excuse. You can’t say “I don’t have time” if the action only takes two minutes. Small actions build momentum. Each time you follow through, you prove to yourself that you can do this.
How small is small enough:
If you want to exercise, start with putting on your workout shoes. That’s it. You don’t have to work out. Just put on the shoes. If you want to meditate, start with three deep breaths. If you want to journal, start with writing one sentence. The action should be so small it feels almost silly. That’s how you know it’s the right size.
What happens next:
Often, once you’ve done the tiny action, you’ll do more. Once your shoes are on, you’ll probably walk. Once you take three breaths, you’ll often sit for five minutes. But even if you don’t, you still succeeded at your commitment. This builds the identity of someone who follows through.
Strategy 2: Connect the Action to Your Why Daily
Every single day before you take the action, remind yourself why you’re doing it. This takes five seconds. But it’s the difference between mechanical action and purposeful action.
How to do this:
Right before you do the thing, say your why out loud or in your head.
- “I’m setting this boundary because I value genuine relationships where I’m not resentful.”
- “I’m going for this walk because I want to feel strong and capable in my body.”
- “I’m saying no to this request because my time matters and I’m allowed to have limits.”
Why this matters:
When you connect the action to the meaning behind it, you’re not just going through motions. Instead, you’re reinforcing that this matters to you. Your brain starts to associate the action with the deeper purpose. Over time, the action itself becomes meaningful, not just a task to check off.
Here’s what this could look like:
Think of someone trying to stop people-pleasing at work. Every time they wanted to say yes when they meant no, they’d pause and think: “I’m saying no because I’m teaching people how to respect my time. I’m allowed to have limits.” This five-second pause connected them to their why. It made saying no feel purposeful instead of selfish.
Strategy 3: Plan for When Motivation Disappears
You will have days when you don’t want to do the thing. When you’re tired, stressed, sick, or just not feeling it. This is normal. The people who succeed plan for this in advance. They don’t rely on motivation. Instead, they have systems.
Create an “if-then” plan:
Decide right now what you’ll do when motivation drops.
- “If I don’t feel like exercising, then I’ll just put on my shoes and walk for five minutes.”
- “If I don’t feel like setting that boundary, then I’ll send the text before I can overthink it.”
- “If I’m too tired for my full routine, then I’ll do the absolute minimum version.”
The minimum viable action:
For every goal, identify the smallest version that still counts. This is what you do on bad days. If your goal is to exercise for 30 minutes, your minimum viable action might be a 5-minute walk. If your goal is to journal for 20 minutes, your minimum might be three bullet points. On the days when motivation is zero, you do the minimum. This keeps the habit alive.
Why this works:
The hardest part of any goal is maintaining consistency through the inevitable low-motivation days. When you have a plan for those days, you don’t have to make decisions in the moment. You already know what to do. This removes the chance to talk yourself out of it.
When Your Why Isn’t Enough (And What That Means)
Sometimes you do the work to find your why. You make the action small. You plan for low motivation. But you still can’t stick to the change. What does that mean?
Possibility 1: The why isn’t actually yours
You might think you found your real reason, but it’s still coming from external pressure. Go back to the five-layer questioning. Dig deeper. Find the reason that’s about what you want for your life, not what others expect.
Possibility 2: The change is too big for where you are
Maybe the why is real, but the action is still too large. Break it down further. If you can’t stick to five minutes of meditation, try 30 seconds. There’s no action too small to start with. Build from there.
Possibility 3: Something deeper is blocking you
Sometimes you can’t stick to a change because there’s an underlying issue that needs to be addressed first. Unprocessed trauma. Depression. Anxiety. Burnout. These conditions make it very difficult to create new habits. In these cases, therapy can help address the root issue so you have the capacity for change.
Possibility 4: You’re trying to change the wrong thing
Maybe the goal itself isn’t right for you. You’re trying to force yourself into a change that doesn’t actually align with your values or life. It’s okay to let go of goals that aren’t serving you, even if they seem like “good” goals.
FAQ About Making Lasting Change
The short answer is: you don’t. Motivation is unreliable and waiting for it sets you up for failure. Instead of trying to stay motivated, you need to build systems that work regardless of how you feel. This starts with knowing your deep personal why—the reason this change matters to your life specifically, not just because you “should.” Before each action, remind yourself of this why. Then make the action small enough that you can do it even on low-energy days.
Create an “if-then” plan for when motivation drops: “If I don’t feel like exercising, then I’ll just put on my shoes and walk for two minutes.” The goal isn’t to feel motivated every day. Instead, it’s to follow through even when motivation is absent. At Therapy with Empathy in Ottawa, we help clients build these systems using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and values-based approaches. Lasting change comes from purpose and habit, not from waiting to feel motivated.
If you’re struggling to find a why that feels compelling, there are a few possibilities. First, you might not be digging deep enough. Don’t stop at surface reasons like “it’s healthy” or “I should.” Keep asking “why does that matter to me?” until you hit something that creates an emotional response.
Second, you might be pursuing a goal that isn’t actually yours. If the goal comes from external pressure (what your family wants, what social media suggests, what society says you should want), it will never feel compelling because it doesn’t connect to your values.
Third, depression or burnout can make everything feel meaningless. If nothing feels important or worth the effort, that might be a sign you need to address your mental health first. Therapy can help you clarify your values, distinguish between internal and external motivations, and address any underlying issues preventing you from connecting to purpose. Sometimes we need support to figure out what we actually want versus what we think we should want.
It’s been found that habits take anywhere from 18 to 254 days to become automatic, with an average around 66 days. However, relying solely on time is misleading. Some changes never become fully automatic because they require ongoing conscious choice. Setting boundaries, for example, requires you to actively choose your response in each situation. Instead of waiting for change to become effortless, focus on making it sustainable. This means keeping the action small, connecting to your why daily (even after months), and having systems for low-motivation days.
Over time, the change does get easier because you’re building the identity of someone who does this thing. Your brain starts to expect it as part of your routine. But complex behavioral changes rarely become completely automatic in the sense that you never have to think about them. The good news is that the more you follow through, the more evidence you have that you’re capable, which makes future follow-through easier even if it’s not automatic.
This is completely normal and actually healthy. As you grow and your life circumstances change, your reasons for doing things will evolve too. The why that motivated you to start exercising at 25 (wanting to look good) might be different from your why at 45 (wanting to feel strong and prevent health issues) and different again at 65 (wanting to maintain independence). When your why changes, that’s not a problem—it’s information. It means you’re evolving. Take time to reconnect with your current why.
Ask yourself: “Why does this still matter to me now?” If you can’t find a compelling current reason, it’s okay to let go of that goal. Not everything you commit to at one point in life needs to continue forever. Some changes are meant for specific seasons. Other times, the core why remains the same but how you articulate it deepens. Either way, periodically reassessing your why (maybe every few months) ensures you’re still aligned with what matters to you now, not what mattered to you when you started.
Getting Support for Lasting Change
Making lasting change is hard. If you’re struggling to stick to goals even after finding your why, you’re not alone. Sometimes we need support to understand what’s blocking us and develop strategies that actually work.
At Therapy with Empathy in Westboro, Ottawa, we work with people trying to make meaningful changes in their lives. Using approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we help clients identify their true values, understand what’s blocking change, and develop sustainable strategies for growth.
Whether you’re struggling with boundaries, self-care, anxiety, or any pattern you want to change, therapy can help. Book a free consultation or call our Westboro office to get started.
Change is possible. But it requires more than motivation. It requires knowing why it matters, connecting to that reason daily, and having practical systems in place for when motivation inevitably disappears. You can do this. You just need the right foundation.