When You’re the Only One Caring for Aging Parents: How to Share Responsibility with Siblings Who Don’t Help
You’re managing all your parent’s medical appointments. Your siblings send occasional texts asking “how’s Mom doing?” but never offer to actually help. You’re coordinating medications, handling finances, making sure they eat, doing their grocery shopping, and somehow still trying to maintain your own life.
Meanwhile, your brother lives two hours away and visits once every few months. Your sister calls Mom every week but that’s the extent of her involvement. When you mention feeling overwhelmed, they say “Just let me know if you need anything!” But when you ask for specific help, suddenly they’re too busy.
The resentment builds every time you cancel plans to take your parent to another doctor’s appointment. Every time your siblings show up for holidays and get praised for “being such wonderful children” while you’re the one doing the actual work. Every time they make suggestions about your parent’s care without offering to implement any of those suggestions themselves.
Here’s the painful truth: this dynamic is incredibly common and most times unfair. In a lot of families, one sibling ends up carrying the entire caregiving burden while others contribute minimally or not at all. This isn’t just stressful; it’s a recipe for burnout, resentment, and sometimes permanent damage to sibling relationships.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with adult children navigating aging parents, we see this pattern constantly. The “responsible” sibling feels trapped, angry, and guilty for feeling angry. The other siblings might not even realize how unequal the burden is. This guide will help you understand why this happens, how to advocate for yourself, and what to do when siblings still won’t step up.
Why One Sibling Ends Up Doing Everything
Before you can change the dynamic, it helps to understand how it develops. This pattern doesn’t “just happen”; in fact,, several factors create and maintain the imbalance.
Geographic proximity matters:
The sibling who lives closest often becomes the default caregiver simply because they’re there. When Mom needs help right now, you’re the one who can get there in 20 minutes. Your siblings are hours away. What starts as handling emergencies gradually becomes handling everything.
Gender expectations play a role:
Daughters and daughters-in-law typically carry more caregiving responsibility than sons. This reflects cultural expectations that women are “natural” caregivers. Even in families that consider themselves progressive, these patterns persist.
The responsible child pattern:
Often the sibling who does everything has always been the responsible one. Maybe you were the eldest child who looked after younger siblings, or you were the one who stayed local while others moved away, or maybe you’ve always been the problem-solver in the family. These patterns from childhood continue into adult caregiving situations.
Others assume you’ve “got it”:
When you’re competent and don’t complain much, siblings assume everything is fine. They think “She’s handling it” and don’t realize how overwhelming it actually is. Meanwhile, you keep managing because you don’t want your parent to suffer or because asking for help feels like admitting you can’t cope.
Different relationships with the parent:
Sometimes siblings who were less close to the parent feel less obligation to help. Or conversely, the favored child gets a pass while the scapegoat does all the work. Family dynamics from decades ago resurface during caregiving years.
No one explicitly decided this arrangement:
That’s the key issue. In most families, there was never a conversation where everyone agreed who would do what. One person started helping, then kept helping, and suddenly months or years have passed with a completely unbalanced arrangement that no one officially chose.
What it Cost to be the Only Caregiver
Doing all the caregiving yourself isn’t sustainable. The burden affects every area of your life in ways that siblings who aren’t involved often don’t understand.
Physical exhaustion:
Caregiving is physically demanding. Doctor’s appointments, helping with activities of daily living, managing medications, handling emergencies. This on top of your job, your own family, your household. Sleep suffers. Health suffers. Stress accumulates in your body.
Financial strain:
You’re taking time off work for appointments. Maybe reducing hours to accommodate caregiving. Paying for things your parent needs because it’s easier than fighting with your siblings about splitting costs. Your retirement savings suffer while theirs don’t.
Relationship stress:
Your partner is tired of every weekend being consumed by caregiving. Your kids barely see you. Friends stop inviting you because you always cancel. Caregiving takes over your life while your siblings’ lives continue normally.
Career impact:
Opportunities for advancement get passed over because you can’t commit to the travel or extra hours required. Younger colleagues without caregiving responsibilities move ahead. The wage gap compounds over years.
Emotional toll:
Watching a parent decline is painful. Doing it alone without sibling support is devastating. Grief mixed with resentment creates a complicated emotional experience that’s hard to process.
The resentment grows:
Every time you’re doing something caregiving-related and think about your siblings living their lives normally, resentment builds. This isn’t just about the caregiving. Rather, it becomes about feeling fundamentally unseen and unappreciated by your own siblings.
Three Strategies for the Sibling Doing Everything
You can’t force your siblings to help. But you can change how you approach the situation and set boundaries that protect you from complete burnout.
Strategy 1: Have the Explicit Conversation (Not Dropping Hints)
Most responsible siblings drop hints instead of making direct requests. “I’m so tired lately.” “Mom’s appointments are taking up so much time.” Hints don’t work. Your siblings either don’t pick up on them or find them easy to ignore. Instead, you need a direct conversation about dividing responsibilities.
Prepare specific information:
Before the conversation, document what you’re actually doing. Make a list: doctor’s appointments, medication management, grocery shopping, bill paying, meal preparation, home maintenance, emergency calls, etc. Include time estimates. Your siblings probably have no idea how much you’re doing.
Call a family meeting:
Email or text all siblings: “We need to discuss Mom’s care. I’m managing everything right now and it’s not sustainable. Can we meet [date/time] to divide responsibilities?” Don’t make it optional. Frame it as a necessary planning conversation, not a request for help.
Present the facts without emotion (initially):
“Here’s what Mom needs regularly: [list], and here’s what I’m currently handling: [everything]. On the other hand, here’s what each of you is currently doing: [probably very little]. This arrangement isn’t working. We need to divide these responsibilities more equitably.”
Make specific requests:
Don’t say “I need help.” Instead say: “[Brother], can you take Mom to her monthly cardiologist appointments? [Sister], can you handle her finances and bill paying? Other brother, can you do her grocery shopping every week?” Specific, clear tasks are harder to deflect than vague requests for “help.”
Here’s what this could look like:
An adult daughter caring for her mother sends this email to her three siblings: “I need to talk with everyone about Mom’s care. I’ve made a list of everything she needs and what each of us is currently doing. Right now I’m handling 90% of her care and I’m burning out. I love Mom and want to keep helping her, but I can’t do this alone. Can we meet Sunday at 2pm to divide responsibilities? This isn’t negotiable—we have to figure this out.” At the meeting, she presents a spreadsheet showing every caregiving task and asks each sibling to commit to specific responsibilities.
Strategy 2: Set Boundaries and Accept That Others Might Be Uncomfortable
The caregiving arrangement continues partly because you keep doing everything. When your parent needs something, you handle it. When siblings don’t follow through, you fill the gap. This pattern won’t change until you set firm boundaries about what you will and won’t do.
Stop doing everything by default:
If your sibling agreed to take Mom to her appointment and they cancel last minute, don’t automatically step in. Call your sibling: “You committed to this appointment. If you can’t make it, you need to find coverage or reschedule it. I’m not available to cover.” Will Mom be disappointed? Probably. But enabling your sibling’s unreliability by always being the backup doesn’t help anyone.
Let things not be perfect:
Maybe your sibling doesn’t do things exactly the way you would. They buy different groceries. They don’t organize the medications as neatly. As long as the task gets done safely, let go of controlling how it’s done. Perfectionism makes delegation impossible.
Say no to additional requests:
When your parent asks you to do something that’s actually your sibling’s responsibility, redirect: “That’s [Brother’s] day to handle things. Call him.” Will your parent be annoyed? Maybe. But you’re teaching them that other siblings are also available, not just you.
Don’t protect siblings from consequences:
If your sibling promises to visit and doesn’t show up, don’t make excuses for them to your parent. Let your parent be disappointed with the right person. Natural consequences might motivate change better than your nagging ever could.
Accept that relationships might get tense:
When you start setting boundaries, siblings might get defensive or angry. Your parent might complain that you’re “not as available” as you used to be. These reactions are uncomfortable but don’t mean you’re wrong. Actually, the discomfort is often a sign that the boundary is necessary.
Strategy 3: Consider Professional Care and Split Costs
Sometimes siblings will contribute financially even if they won’t contribute time. If your siblings truly can’t or won’t help directly, hiring professional support and splitting the cost might be the solution.
Calculate the cost of your time:
If you’re spending 20 hours a week on caregiving, that’s 1,000 hours a year. If your hourly rate at work is $30/hour, you’re providing $30,000 worth of care annually. Frame it this way when discussing paid help: “We need to hire help. I’ve been providing X hours of free care, which none of you could afford to pay me for. Let’s hire someone and split the cost three ways.”
Get quotes for specific services:
Home health aides, meal delivery services, transportation services, medication management companies. Present siblings with concrete options and costs. “A home health aide for 10 hours a week could potentially $400/month. That’s $133 per sibling. This would cover medication management and light housekeeping that I’m currently doing.”
Frame it as planning, not failure:
Siblings sometimes resist paid help because they feel it means they’re “putting Mom in a home” or giving up. Reframe: “Hiring help isn’t abandoning Mom. Rather, it’s ensuring she gets quality care without burning me out. The alternative is me collapsing, which helps no one.”
Put the financial agreement in writing:
If siblings agree to split costs, get it in writing. Who pays what percentage? When are payments due? What happens if someone doesn’t pay? Document everything to avoid future conflict.
Be prepared for pushback:
Siblings might say “We can’t afford that” while taking vacations you can’t afford because you’re too busy caregiving. Be ready to be direct: “I can’t afford to keep providing 20 hours of free labor weekly. Either you contribute time or money, but the current arrangement is over.”
When Siblings Still Won’t Help
Let’s say you’ve had the conversation, set boundaries, and asked for specific help. Your siblings still don’t step up. Now what?
Accept that you can’t force change:
This is painful but necessary. You can’t make your siblings be the people you need them to be. You can only control your own actions. Continuing to hope they’ll change while sacrificing yourself isn’t sustainable.
Reduce your involvement to what’s sustainable for you:
Decide what you can realistically do without burning out. Maybe that’s managing medical appointments but not daily check-ins. Maybe it’s handling finances but not housekeeping. Do what you can do sustainably, and let the rest fall where it falls.
Let your parent experience the gap:
When you step back and siblings don’t fill in, your parent will notice. They might need to have the conversation with your siblings that you’ve been having. Sometimes parents advocating for themselves works when your advocacy didn’t.
Seek support for yourself:
Therapy can help you process the grief, anger, and loss involved in realizing your siblings aren’t who you hoped they’d be. Support groups for caregivers help you feel less alone. Professional support isn’t about fixing your siblings. Instead, it’s about helping you cope with an unfair situation.
The Grief That Comes With This Dynamic
Beyond the practical stress, there’s a deep emotional pain when siblings don’t show up. This grief often goes unacknowledged but it’s real and needs attention.
Grieving the siblings you thought you had:
You believed that when things got hard, your siblings would be there. Instead, they’re absent or barely present. This requires grieving the relationship you thought you had and accepting the reality of who they actually are.
Grieving the parent relationship you wanted:
You thought sharing this difficult time with siblings would bring you closer. Instead, caregiving consumes your time with your parent while resentment toward siblings fills your heart. The peaceful, meaningful time with your aging parent that you imagined doesn’t exist.
Grieving your own life:
Opportunities missed. Career advancement passed over. Relationships strained. Hobbies abandoned. The life you planned isn’t the life you’re living. That loss deserves acknowledgment even as you’re doing the caregiving.
FAQ About Unfair Sibling Caregiving Dynamics
There are several reasons siblings don’t help even when the imbalance is obvious. First, many people are remarkably good at not seeing what they don’t want to see. If acknowledging the imbalance means they’d have to step up (which would disrupt their comfortable life), denial is easier. Second, they might genuinely not realize how much you’re doing because you’re competent and don’t complain loudly. Third, they’ve gotten used to you handling everything and assume you’ve “got it.”
Additionally, helping would require them to face the reality of the parent’s decline, which is painful. Avoiding caregiving is sometimes about avoiding the emotional reality, not just the work. If you keep doing everything even when they don’t help, they also learn there are no consequences for not helping. Why change an arrangement that works fine for them? Finally, some siblings simply prioritize their own comfort over fairness. That’s difficult to accept but sometimes true. The key is recognizing you can’t change their motivations—you can only change how you respond to their lack of help.
This is the core struggle for caregivers—distinguishing between reasonable boundaries and abandonment. Setting boundaries isn’t abandonment. Rather, it’s sustainable caregiving versus unsustainable martyrdom. Here’s how to tell the difference: Abandonment means not showing up at all or refusing to help when you genuinely can. Boundaries mean defining what you can do sustainably without destroying your own life. Ask yourself: “If I continue at this pace, will I burn out completely?” If yes, boundaries aren’t optional—they’re necessary.
Think about airplane oxygen masks: you have to secure your own before helping others. If you collapse from caregiver burnout, who helps your parent then? Boundaries actually protect your ability to help long-term. Regarding guilt: guilt is often about violating your own expectations or absorbed messages about what “good children” do. Examine those expectations. Are they realistic? Are they what your parent would actually want if they knew the cost to you? Most parents don’t want their children to sacrifice everything. If they do, that expectation isn’t reasonable to meet. Finally, remember that reducing your involvement often forces siblings to step up or forces consideration of professional help—both of which may ultimately be better for your parent than you doing everything while burned out and resentful.
Have the conversation now. Waiting makes everything harder for several reasons. It’s easier to establish equitable patterns early before resentment builds to toxic levels. Once you’re deeply angry at your siblings, having a productive conversation becomes much harder. Another thing, caregiving needs only increase over time. If you’re overwhelmed now, you’ll be completely underwater later. Keep in mind that waiting teaches siblings that the current arrangement is acceptable and sustainable. The longer it continues, the more they’ll resist changing it.
Ideally, those conversations would happen before you get in crisis mode. When your parent is stable, you can plan thoughtfully. During a crisis, everyone’s stressed and reactionary. Think of the fact that establishing shared responsibility early creates precedent. If Brother takes Mom to appointments now, it’s his established role. If you do everything for years and then suddenly ask him to help, he’ll resist the change. However, there’s a difference between planning conversations and crisis confrontations. Don’t ambush siblings during emergencies. Instead, schedule a dedicated time to discuss anticipated needs: “Mom’s doing okay now, but her doctor says her condition will decline. We need to plan how we’ll share future responsibilities.” Proactive planning beats desperate begging during crisis.
This is incredibly frustrating and very common. When siblings commit but don’t follow through, you need to address it immediately rather than silently covering for them. Don’t be the automatic backup. If [Brother] commits to Mom’s Tuesday appointment and cancels, the consequence should fall on him—he needs to reschedule or find coverage, not you. Call him: “You committed to handling Tuesday appointments. What’s your plan for rescheduling?” Think of implementing a tracking system. Create a shared calendar or spreadsheet showing who’s responsible for what. When someone doesn’t follow through, the evidence is clear. This prevents them from saying “I didn’t realize it was my responsibility.”
Consider having a direct conversation after the first instance of not following through: “You agreed to do X and didn’t. This puts me in the position of either letting Mom down or doing your share plus mine. That won’t work for me. How will you ensure follow-through going forward?” If the pattern continues, stop compensating for their unreliability and let natural consequences occur. If [Sister] doesn’t do Mom’s grocery shopping as promised, Mom calls her to complain, not you. Finally, consider whether their “agreement” to help was just to get you to stop asking, with no real intention of following through. If someone repeatedly commits and flakes, their words don’t match their actions. Stop expecting change and instead adjust your expectations to match their actual behavior, not their promises.
Getting Support for Caregiver Burnout
Caregiving for aging parents while managing sibling conflict is overwhelming. Professional support can help you navigate both the practical and emotional challenges.
At Therapy with Empathy in Westboro, Ottawa, we work with adult children managing aging parents and complicated family dynamics. Using approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we help clients process resentment toward siblings, set boundaries, and cope with caregiver stress without losing themselves.
Therapy provides space to acknowledge how hard this is. Validation that your feelings are reasonable. Strategies for communicating with siblings who don’t respond well. Tools for managing resentment that threatens to consume you. And support in making difficult decisions about how much you can sustainably do.
If you’re carrying the entire burden of parent care while siblings do nothing, you don’t have to handle this alone. Book a free consultation or call our Westboro office to get support.
Caregiving for aging parents is hard enough. Doing it without sibling support makes it exponentially harder. Advocating for yourself isn’t selfish. Rather, it’s necessary for your survival and wellbeing.