How to Talk to Your Child About School Violence: A Guide for Parents

When news breaks about school shootings or violence, parents across the country face an impossible question: How do I talk to my child about this without making things worse?

As Registered Psychotherapists in Ottawa who prioritize trauma-informed care, we work with families navigating these exact conversations. Following recent incidents in British Columbia and Kitigan Zibi, many Ottawa parents are grappling with how to address their children’s fears while managing their own anxiety.

The truth is, there’s no perfect script. But there are trauma-informed strategies that can help you have these difficult conversations in ways that support your child’s emotional wellbeing rather than amplifying their fear.

The Most Crucial First Step: Check Yourself Before You Start

Before you say a single word to your child, pause and ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I feeling right now?

Are you scared? Angry? Helpless? Heartbroken? These are all valid responses to tragic news. But if you’re not aware of your emotional state, you risk transferring that anxiety directly to your child.

2. What is my actual objective in this conversation?

This is critical. Are you trying to:

Relieve your own anxiety by talking it out?
Prepare them for something they might hear at school?
Respond to questions they’ve already asked?
Help them process feelings they’ve expressed?

When your objective isn’t clear, you may end up speaking from a place of fear rather than guidance. Children are incredibly perceptive; they absorb not just your words, but the emotional energy behind them.

The goal is reassurance and clarity, not information dumping.

When parents are grounded and clear about their purpose, children feel safer. When parents are anxious and unclear, children absorb that anxiety even if the words sound reassuring.

Tailoring the Conversation by Age: What Your Child Actually Needs

Not all children need the same conversation. Age, maturity level, and what they’ve already been exposed to should shape your approach.

Younger Children (Ages 5-10)

First, ask yourself: Did they bring this up, or am I bringing it up?

If your child hasn’t asked about it and hasn’t been exposed to the news, they may not need to know yet. Sometimes our protective instinct drives us to prepare them for something they’re not even worried about.

If they HAVE asked questions:

Keep it simple and focused on what they actually need: reassurance.

Young children asking about school violence are often really asking: “Am I safe? Could this happen to me?”

Your job isn’t to provide detailed information about what happened. Your job is to help them feel secure.

Try saying:

“You are safe. Your school is safe.”
“The adults at your school have plans to keep everyone protected.”
“It’s okay to feel worried. Those feelings make sense.”
“You can always come talk to me if you have questions.”

Focus on the most important information your child needs to know, not everything you know about the situation.

Important: Watch your behavior, not just your words

Children notice when parents suddenly become more protective: hovering more, asking extra questions about school, seeming anxious at drop-off.

If you find yourself behaving differently, name it: “I’m feeling extra protective right now because of something I heard on the news. That’s about me processing what I heard, not about you being in danger.”

This helps prevent your child from wondering why you’re “acting weird” when you’re actually just showing more love and protection.

Tweens and Teens (Ages 11+)

Older children likely already know something happened, especially if they have access to social media.

With this age group, avoidance isn’t an option. The conversation needs to shift from pure reassurance to critical thinking and emotional regulation.

Key approaches:

1. Start by exploring what they already know:

“What have you heard about what happened?”
“How are you feeling about it?”
“What questions do you have?”

2. Discuss mindful media consumption:

Teens can easily fall into doomscrolling: refreshing news sites, watching graphic content repeatedly, consuming speculation and misinformation.

Explain: “When we’re exposed to the same traumatic images and stories over and over, our brains start to think the danger is everywhere and constant. It’s like your brain gets stuck in alarm mode. It’s okay to stay informed, but you also need to protect your nervous system.”

3. Help them assess their own capacity:

“How are you feeling after reading about this? Do you feel informed, or do you feel more anxious? That’s your signal about whether to keep reading or take a break.”

4. Balance awareness with overwhelm:

Some teens feel a responsibility to stay informed about current events. Validate this while teaching boundaries: “Being aware of what’s happening in the world is important, but so is taking care of your mental health. You can do both.”

Key Phrases That Help (What to Actually Say)

Younger Children:

“You are safe. Your school is safe.”
“The adults around you have plans to keep you protected.”
“It’s okay to feel worried/scared/confused. Those feelings make sense.”
“You can always come talk to me if you have questions.”

Older Children and Teens:

“This is shocking and scary. It makes sense that people are upset.”
“It’s important to stay informed, but also important to know when to step back from the news.”
“What are you hearing from friends? What questions do you have?”
“Bad things sometimes happen, but they’re rare. Most schools, most days, are safe.”

For All Ages:

“I’m here to listen whenever you want to talk about this.”
Avoid false promises like “Nothing bad will ever happen”
Instead offer grounded reassurance: “We do everything we can to stay safe, and there are many people working to keep schools safe.”

What to Avoid in These Conversations

1. Don’t blame or vilify the individual involved

Children and teens, especially those struggling with their own mental health, might identify with feelings of isolation, anger, or depression.

If we make the person into a monster, we risk kids thinking: “If I ever feel angry or depressed, does that make me dangerous?”

Instead try: “Someone made a terrible choice that hurt people. That person was struggling, and there were missed opportunities to get them help.”

This opens the door for conversations about mental health, asking for help, and the importance of adults intervening early.

2. Don’t project your anxiety onto your child

If you’re spiraling – refreshing the news constantly, catastrophizing about school safety, feeling consumed by fear – pause before bringing that energy into a conversation with your child.

Children don’t need to carry your fear. Process your own emotions with other adults first, like a partner, friend, therapist, or support group.

3. Don’t overshare graphic details

Especially with younger children, you don’t need to describe what happened in detail. They don’t need to know how many people were hurt, what kind of weapon was used, or other traumatizing specifics.

Give them just enough information to answer their actual question, not everything you know.

Managing Media Exposure: Creating Healthy Boundaries

One of the biggest challenges in the digital age is controlling what children see and when they see it.

Model healthy media consumption

If you’re doomscrolling the news for hours, your kids will learn that’s how adults cope with scary events.

Show them what healthy media consumption looks like:

Checking credible news sources once or twice
Setting time limits on news consumption
Choosing when to engage vs. when to step back
Talking about difficult feelings instead of numbing them with screens

Explain why media boundaries matter

Help children and teens understand the neurological impact of constant exposure to traumatic content.

“Our brains aren’t designed to process this much scary information all at once. When we see the same tragedy over and over, our body starts reacting like we’re in danger even when we’re safe at home.”

Teach self-assessment

Help them tune into their own nervous system:

Do you feel informed or overwhelmed?
Is this helping you understand what happened, or is it making you more anxious?
How do you feel in your body right now? (tight chest, racing heart, sick stomach?)

These are signals about whether to continue consuming content or to take a break.

Warning Signs Your Child May Be Struggling

Not all children will verbalize their distress. Watch for behavioral changes that last more than a few days:

Physical and Behavioral Signs:

School avoidance: Sudden resistance to going to school, stomachaches on school mornings, asking to stay home
Sleep disruptions: Nightmares, bedwetting (in younger children who were previously dry), trouble falling asleep, wanting to sleep in parents’ room
Hypervigilance: Constantly asking about safety, needing to know where parents are, heightened startle response to loud noises
Regression: Return to behaviors they’d outgrown (thumb-sucking, baby talk, clinginess)

Emotional and Social Signs:

Withdrawal from friends or activities they usually enjoy
Irritability, anger, or emotional outbursts that seem out of proportion
Excessive worry about family members’ safety
Repetitive questions about the event or safety measures
Difficulty concentrating at school or on homework
Loss of interest in things that normally bring them joy

The Key Question: Is this interfering with daily life?

Some anxiety after hearing traumatic news is normal and expected. But if these behaviors persist beyond a week or two, or if they significantly interfere with school, sleep, friendships, or family functioning, it’s time to seek professional support.

When to Seek Professional Help

Reach out to a school counselor, therapist, or mental health professional if:

Symptoms persist for more than 2 weeks
Your child’s functioning is significantly impaired (can’t go to school, can’t sleep, can’t focus)
They express thoughts of harming themselves or others
You feel out of your depth and need support navigating the conversation
Your child has a history of trauma or anxiety that might be triggered by this news

Early intervention makes a significant difference. There’s no shame in getting support; it’s one of the most protective things you can do for your child.

Remember: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect

There’s no perfect way to navigate these conversations. What matters most is:

Your willingness to show up and have the conversation
Your ability to stay grounded in your own emotions
Your commitment to listening to what your child actually needs
Your honesty when you don’t have all the answers

It’s okay to say: “I don’t know why this happened. I’m sad and confused too. What I do know is that we’re safe, and I’m here for you.”

Your presence, your calm, and your availability matter far more than having perfect words.

Additional Resources for Ottawa Families

Crisis Support:

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (24/7)
Ottawa Distress Centre: 613-238-3311
CHEO Mental Health Crisis Line: 613-737-7600

Finding a Therapist:

Psychology Today Therapist Directory
Ontario Association of Mental Health Professionals
Your child’s school guidance counselor
Interested in working with us? Book a free consultation at https://therapywithempathy.janeapp.com