Rebuilding Trust: A Step-by-Step Approach for Ottawa Couples

Trust doesn’t break all at once. It’s often slow – one broken promise at a time.

You might think trust only breaks when someone cheats. That’s not true. Trust breaks when someone violates a pre-agreed commitment. Cheating is one way that happens. But so is lying about money, hiding conversations, breaking promises about parenting, or repeatedly choosing work over your relationship.

As a couples therapist in Ottawa, I work with partners trying to rebuild after all kinds of trust breaches. Some involve infidelity. Many don’t. What they all have in common is this: someone made a commitment, broke it, and now both people are wondering if the relationship can survive.

Here’s what I know after thousands of hours working with couples: trust can be rebuilt. But not the way most people think.

What Actually Breaks Trust (It’s Not Just Cheating)

Most people think trust is binary. Either you trust someone or you don’t. That’s not how it works.

Trust is a series of small commitments you make to each other. Every time you keep a commitment, you deposit into the trust account. Every time you break one, you withdraw.

The Six Types of Trust Breaches

Type 1: Sexual or Emotional Infidelity

This is what most people think of when they hear “they’ve broken my trust.” An affair (physical or emotional), secret relationships, or ongoing deception about romantic or sexual connections outside the relationship.

Type 2: Financial Betrayal

Hiding purchases, secret credit cards, lying about debt, gambling, making major financial decisions without discussion, or spending money you agreed to save.

Type 3: Broken Promises About Time or Priorities

Repeatedly canceling date nights for work, promising to be more present and not following through, saying your relationship matters but acting like it doesn’t, or consistently choosing other people or commitments over your partner.

Type 4: Lying or Hiding Information

Withholding information your partner has a right to know, lying by omission, deleting texts or conversations, or maintaining secret friendships that cross boundaries you’ve discussed.

Type 5: Boundary Violations

Doing something you explicitly agreed not to do (like sharing private relationship details with friends, staying in contact with an ex after agreeing not to, or violating agreements about parenting or household responsibilities).

Type 6: Repeated Small Betrayals

Forgetting important dates consistently, not following through on commitments, being unreliable in ways that matter, or dismissing your partner’s needs after promising to prioritize them.

Why Non-Affair Trust Breaches Matter Just As Much

Here’s what happens when someone says “at least I didn’t cheat.” They minimize the breach. They act like breaking other commitments doesn’t count.

That’s not how your partner experiences it. When you promise to stop drinking and don’t, when you say you’ll handle the kids’ bedtime routine and consistently bail, when you agree to stop talking to that “friend” and keep the conversations going, you’re telling your partner their needs don’t matter.

The breach isn’t about the specific behavior. It’s about breaking your word. And that destroys trust just as effectively as infidelity.

Why “I’m Sorry” Doesn’t Fix It

You’ve probably already apologized. Maybe dozens of times. Your partner is still hurt. You’re frustrated because you said you’re sorry. What more do they want?

Here’s the problem: apologies don’t rebuild trust. Changed behavior does.

The Three Levels of Apology

Level 1: “I’m Sorry You’re Upset”

This isn’t actually an apology. It’s a dismissal. You’re not taking responsibility for what you did. You’re just acknowledging their feelings (and probably wishing they’d stop having them).

Example: “I’m sorry you’re hurt by this.“

Level 2: “I’m Sorry I Did That”

This is better. You’re acknowledging your behavior. But you’re not explaining why it happened or what you’ll do differently.

Example: “I’m sorry I lied about the credit card.”

Level 3: “I’m Sorry, Here’s Why It Happened, and Here’s What I’m Changing”

This is the only apology that matters. You’re taking full responsibility, explaining what led to the breach (without excusing it), and committing to specific changed behavior.

Example: “I’m sorry I lied about the credit card. I was ashamed of how much I spent and scared you’d be angry. I should have told you the truth. Moving forward, I’m giving you access to all accounts and we’ll review spending together weekly. I’m also working with a therapist to understand why I hide things when I’m scared.”

See the difference? Level 3 gives your partner something to hold onto. It’s not just words. It’s a plan.

The Gottman Trust Revival Method: What Actually Works

Dr. John Gottman studied thousands of couples to understand how trust gets rebuilt. What he found: there’s a specific process that works. Skip a step and you fail.

Here’s the framework I use with couples in Ottawa who are rebuilding trust after betrayal.

Step 1: Atonement (The Person Who Broke Trust)

This is where the person who broke trust does the work to understand the damage they caused.

What this looks like:

You stop defending yourself, saying things like: “but I apologized” or “how long are you going to punish me?” You sit with the fact that you hurt your partner, and you take the time to listen to their pain without trying to fix it, minimize it, or make it about you.

Your job: Answer every question honestly (even when it’s uncomfortable). Don’t hide details to “protect” your partner. They need the full truth to decide if they can heal.

What you say: “I know I hurt you. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. I’m asking for a chance to show you I can be trustworthy again. What do you need from me?“

Step 2: Attunement (Both Partners)

This is where you rebuild emotional connection. You can’t rebuild trust without it.

What this looks like:

The person who broke trust learns to notice when their partner is triggered (by a date, a location, a conversation topic). Instead of getting defensive, they move toward their partner with empathy.

The hurt partner learns to communicate their needs instead of punishing their partner with silence or anger.

Your job (if you broke trust): Notice when your partner is struggling. Ask “What do you need right now?” Offer reassurance without being asked.

Your job (if you were hurt): Tell your partner what you need. Don’t make them guess. Say “I need reassurance that you’re not hiding anything” or “I need you to check in when you’re going to be late.“

Step 3: Attachment (Rebuilding the Bond)

This is where you rebuild positive experiences together. You can’t heal a relationship only by talking about the wound. You need to create new, positive memories.

What this looks like:

You schedule time together that isn’t about processing the betrayal. You’re able to go on dates, laugh together, and have conversations about things other than the breach.

Your job: Protect this time. Don’t cancel it. Don’t let other commitments take priority. Show your partner they matter through consistent action.

The Step-by-Step Process for Rebuilding Trust

Here’s what the actual work looks like week by week.

Week 1-2: Full Disclosure

The person who broke trust tells the full truth. No more hiding. No more trickle truth (revealing information slowly over time).

Why this matters: Your partner can’t heal from what they don’t know. Every time they discover a new piece of information you hid, they start healing from zero again.

How to do it: Sit down together. Answer every question your partner has. Be prepared for this to hurt. Do it anyway.

If you’re the hurt partner: Ask every question you need answered. Write them down beforehand if it helps. Don’t worry about seeming paranoid or obsessive. You need information to make decisions.

Week 3-4: Establish New Agreements

You can’t rebuild trust without new agreements. These aren’t punishments. They’re guardrails that help both people feel safe.

Examples of new agreements:

• Full access to phones, emails, and social media accounts
• Location sharing turned on
• Check-ins at specific times during the day
• No contact with the person involved in the breach (if relevant)
• Joint access to all financial accounts
• Weekly relationship check-ins where you discuss how you’re both doing
• Individual therapy for the person who broke trust
• Couples therapy together

If you’re the person who broke trust: You don’t get to call these agreements “controlling.” You broke trust. These are the conditions for rebuilding it. If you’re not willing to be transparent, you’re not serious about repair.

If you’re the hurt partner: Be clear about what you need. Don’t minimize your needs to seem “reasonable.” You get to ask for what helps you feel safe.

Week 5-8: Consistent Follow-Through

This is where most couples fail. The person who broke trust follows through for a few weeks, then gets tired of the “rules.” They want things to go back to normal.

There is no going back to normal. Normal is what allowed the breach to happen. You’re building something new.

What this looks like:

Keep the agreements even when it’s inconvenient. Check in even when you don’t feel like it. Stay transparent even when it feels like overkill. Show up to therapy even when you think you’re “fine.”

Why this matters: Your partner is watching to see if you can be consistent. Every time you follow through on a small commitment, you rebuild trust. Every time you don’t, you set the process back.

Month 3-6: Rebuilding Emotional Safety

By this point, if you’ve done the work, your partner should feel slightly safer. Not healed. Not “over it.” Just safer.

What this looks like:

Partners start having conversations about the future again. They make plans together, and are able to have moments where the breach isn’t the only topic of conversation. They laugh together occasionally.

The hurt partner: You start to notice yourself relaxing (even if just for moments). You don’t check their phone as often. You believe them more quickly when they say where they’ve been.

The person who broke trust: You don’t use these moments to say “see, you’re fine now.” You stay humble. You keep showing up.

Month 6-12: Deciding If This Is Working

By six months, you should know if trust is rebuilding or if this relationship isn’t going to work.

Signs trust is rebuilding:

• The hurt partner feels safer most days
• Conversations about the breach happen less frequently
• Both partners feel hopeful about the future
• The person who broke trust has maintained consistent changed behavior
• You’re having positive experiences together, not just processing pain

Signs this might not work:

• The hurt partner feels stuck in the same pain (no movement toward healing)
• The person who broke trust is resentful about the agreements and transparency
• New breaches are happening (small lies, broken commitments)
• One or both partners are staying out of obligation, not desire
• You’re going through the motions but there’s no emotional connection

What the Hurt Partner Needs to Know

If your partner broke your trust, here’s what you need to hear.

You’re Not Crazy for Still Being Hurt

People will tell you to “get over it.” They’ll ask why you’re still with someone who hurt you. They’ll say you should forgive and move on.

Remember this: Healing from betrayal takes time, and no one has the same timeline.

You Get to Express Yourself

You have the opportunity to express what you need to feel safe again. If your partner isn’t willing to meet those needs, you may need to have a conversation as if this relationship is the best fit for the both of you.

Don’t minimize what you need to seem “reasonable” or “not controlling.” You’re not controlling for asking for transparency after someone broke your trust.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Come Right Away

Forgiveness isn’t required for healing. What’s required is changed behavior, consistent honesty, and time.

If forgiveness comes, it arrives later in the process. It happens after you’ve seen months of changed behavior. Your nervous system needs time to stop treating your partner like a threat. Safety must be rebuilt before you can risk trusting again.

What the Person Who Broke Trust Needs to Know

If you broke your partner’s trust, here’s what you need to hear.

You Don’t Have Much Control Over the Timeline

There’s no room to say “it’s been three months, get over it.” Healing from betrayal takes a long time. If you’re not willing to stay patient while your partner heals, you may not be ready to do this work.

Transparency Isn’t Punishment

Giving your partner access to your phone, checking in during the day, being accountable for your time. These aren’t punishments. They’re the cost of rebuilding trust as a result of the actions you’ve taken.

If you’re resentful about these agreements, you may not be taking responsibility for what you did.

Changed Behavior Is the Only Apology That Matters

Words mean nothing if your behavior doesn’t change. Especially when partner has heard “I’m sorry” many times before. What they need to see is consistent, reliable, changed behavior over months.

You Might Lose Them Anyway

You can do everything right and your partner might still decide they can’t rebuild trust with you. That’s something outside of your control, and unfortunately became the consequences of your actions.

When Couples Therapy Helps (And When It Doesn’t)

Not every couple needs therapy to rebuild trust. Some do the work on their own. But here’s when professional support makes the difference.

When to get help:

• You’re stuck in the same conversations with no progress
• The hurt partner can’t move past the betrayal (after 6+ months of trying)
• The person who broke trust doesn’t understand why their behavior was wrong
• You’re fighting about everything, not just the breach
• There are multiple breaches (this isn’t the first time trust was broken)
• One or both partners are dealing with trauma from previous relationships
• You want to save the relationship but don’t know how

What to look for in a couples therapist:

Not all therapists are trained to support you through betrayal recovery. You might want someone who specializes in this work, or have worked with clients who’ve experienced this in the past.

Look for therapists trained in Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).

At Therapy with Empathy, we work with couples in Ottawa and across Ontario who are rebuilding trust after betrayal. We use Gottman Method and EFT to help partners decide if their relationship can be saved and do the work to rebuild it.

Real Talk: Can Trust Actually Be Rebuilt?

Yes. But not in every relationship.

Trust can be rebuilt when both people are willing to do the work. When the person who broke trust takes full responsibility and changes their behavior consistently over time. When the hurt partner is willing to stay open to the possibility of healing (even when it’s hard).

Trust cannot be rebuilt when the person who broke trust keeps lying, minimizes the damage, or refuses to be accountable. When the hurt partner punishes indefinitely without allowing space for repair. When either person is staying out of obligation rather than genuine desire to rebuild.

What rebuilt trust looks like:

Rebuilt trust doesn’t look like it did before. You don’t return to naive trust where you assume everything is fine. Instead, you build something different: earned trust. Your partner proves over time they can be trusted. You verify before you trust. Safety gets built through consistent action, not blind faith.

Some couples say their relationship is stronger after rebuilding than it was before. These partners learned to communicate about hard things. They established boundaries and agreements they didn’t have previously. Their relationship became based on honesty instead of assumptions.

Other couples rebuild trust and decide the relationship still isn’t right for them. That’s okay too. Sometimes you need to rebuild enough trust to have a respectful ending.

FAQ About Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

For Couples in Ottawa: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is some of the hardest work you’ll do in a relationship. This process requires vulnerability from both partners. The hurt partner must risk being hurt again. Meanwhile, the person who broke trust needs to stay accountable even when it’s uncomfortable.

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

If you’re trying to rebuild trust after infidelity, financial betrayal, or any other breach of commitment, therapy can help. Book a free consultation to work with a couples therapist in Ottawa who specializes in trust recovery using Gottman Method and EFT.