Your Pre-Teen’s Attitude Problem: What’s Normal, What’s Not, and How to Handle It
Your sweet, loving child has been replaced by someone who rolls their eyes at everything you say. “Can you set the table?” “Fineeeeee.” “How was school?” “Fine.” Slam goes the bedroom door. Suddenly you’re the worst parent in the world for asking them to do their homework.
Welcome to the pre-teen years. That magical time when your 10, 11, or 12-year-old discovers attitude and decides to test it out on you constantly. The eye rolls. The heavy sighs. The little white lies about whether they brushed their teeth. The dramatic door slamming when they don’t get their way.
You wonder if this is normal or if something is actually wrong. You question whether you’re being too strict or too lenient. Most of all, you miss the kid who actually seemed to like you and didn’t act like every request was a personal attack.
Here’s what you need to know: some attitude is completely normal for this developmental stage. Your pre-teen is starting to separate from you and develop their own identity. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept disrespect or let every behavior slide. There’s a difference between developmentally appropriate boundary-testing and behavior that’s becoming a real problem.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with families and pre-teens, we help parents navigate this tricky stage. The parents who handle it well understand which battles to pick, how to respond without escalating, and when behavior has crossed from normal to concerning. This guide will show you exactly how to do that.
Why Pre-Teens Suddenly Develop Attitudes
Before you can effectively respond to the attitude, it helps to understand where it’s coming from. This isn’t just your kid being difficult for fun. Instead, there are real developmental reasons behind the behavior.
The brain is changing rapidly:
Between ages 10 and 13, your child’s brain is undergoing massive reconstruction. The emotional center is developing faster than the reasoning center. This means they feel everything intensely but don’t yet have the tools to manage those feelings maturely. The result? Big emotions expressed in ways that seem overdramatic or disrespectful.
They’re practicing independence:
Pre-teens are starting to realize they’re separate people from their parents. This is healthy and necessary. But the way they practice independence is often through opposition. Saying “no” or “fine” in that tone establishes that they’re not just an extension of you. They’re testing whether you’ll still love them even when they push back.
Peer influence becomes primary:
For the first time, friends’ opinions matter more than yours. This shift is developmentally appropriate but painful for parents. When your pre-teen acts like you’re embarrassing or you don’t understand anything, they’re often performing for an imaginary audience of peers who they’re trying to impress.
Hormones are starting:
Even before puberty fully hits, hormonal changes begin affecting mood and impulse control. Your pre-teen might not even know why they feel irritable or why they just snapped at you. The emotions are bigger than their ability to regulate them.
They’re struggling with more complex social situations:
Middle school social dynamics are brutal. Friendships shift constantly. Social hierarchies matter suddenly. Online interactions add complexity. All this social stress comes home as attitude because you’re the safe place to let emotions out.
Which Attitude Behaviors Are Actually Normal
Not every eye roll or door slam means your child is headed for disaster. Some attitude is completely developmentally appropriate. Here’s what falls in the “normal and annoying but not concerning” category.
Eye rolling and dramatic sighs:
When you ask them to do something reasonable and they sigh like you’ve asked them to climb Mount Everest, that’s normal. It’s their way of expressing displeasure while still complying. As long as they actually do the thing, the eye roll is just commentary.
The dreaded “fine” or “whatever”:
These responses are pre-teen for “I disagree but I don’t have the verbal skills to articulate why, so I’m going to express my displeasure through tone.” Annoying? Yes. Disrespectful? Borderline. Worth a battle? Usually not.
Door closing (not slamming):
Wanting privacy and closing their door firmly is normal. They’re establishing boundaries around their personal space. As long as it’s not violent door slamming, you might want to consider letting this one go.
Preferring friends to family:
Wanting to hang out with friends instead of you doesn’t mean they hate you. Rather, it means they’re right on track developmentally. Peers become more important during this stage.
Small lies about minor things:
“Did you brush your teeth?” “Yes.” (They didn’t.) These little white lies about whether they did their chores or finished homework are normal boundary-testing. They’re seeing what they can get away with. This is different from serious, manipulative lying.
When Attitude Crosses Into Problem Territory
While some attitude is normal, certain behaviors signal that things have gone beyond typical pre-teen testing. Here’s when you should be concerned.
Outright disrespect and name-calling:
“I hate you!” in a moment of anger might happen once or twice. But if your pre-teen is regularly calling you names, cursing at you, or being verbally abusive, that’s not okay. Developmentally appropriate attitude doesn’t include personal attacks.
Physical aggression:
Slamming doors violently, throwing things, hitting walls, or getting physical with you or siblings is not normal pre-teen behavior. This level of aggression suggests either poor emotional regulation skills or that something more serious is going on.
Constant defiance:
Refusing every request, ignoring rules completely, or actively doing the opposite of what you ask goes beyond normal boundary-testing. When defiance is the default response to everything, that’s oppositional behavior that needs addressing.
Lying about serious things:
Little lies about whether they finished homework are different from lying about where they are, who they’re with, or what they’re doing. Serious, calculated lying to deceive you about important things is concerning.
Withdrawal and isolation:
Some alone time is normal. But if your pre-teen is spending all their time isolated in their room, avoiding family completely, and seems to have no interest in activities they used to enjoy, that could signal depression or anxiety rather than typical attitude.
Mean behavior toward others:
If reports come home that your child is bullying, being cruel to siblings, or showing no empathy when they hurt others, that’s more than attitude. That’s a lack of empathy that needs intervention.
Three Strategies for Handling Normal Pre-Teen Attitude
When you’re dealing with typical attitude, your response matters. How you handle the eye rolls and door slams either escalates the behavior or teaches your pre-teen better ways to express themselves.
Strategy 1: Pick Your Battles Strategically
You cannot fight every instance of attitude or you’ll be in constant conflict. Instead, decide which behaviors matter most and let the minor stuff go.
What’s worth addressing:
- Outright disrespect (name-calling, cursing at you).
- Behavior that affects others (being mean to siblings).
- Safety issues (lying about where they’re going).
- Not doing responsibilities (refusing chores or homework).
- Anything that violates your family’s core values.
What you can probably ignore:
- The tone they use when they say “fine.”
- The eye roll when you ask them to set the table (as long as they do it).
- The dramatic sigh when you say they can’t have more screen time.
- Mumbling under their breath as they walk away.
These are annoying but not harmful.
Why this matters:
Every time you address the attitude, you’re having a conflict. Too many conflicts create a relationship where you and your pre-teen are constantly at odds. When you let minor attitude slide, you save your energy for the battles that actually matter.
How to decide:
Ask yourself: “Will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year?” If the answer is no, let it go. If the answer is yes, address it calmly.
Strategy 2: Respond to Disrespect Without Escalating
When attitude crosses into disrespect, you need to address it. But how you respond determines whether the situation improves or explodes into a bigger fight.
Stay calm and matter-of-fact:
When your pre-teen is disrespectful, your instinct might be to yell back or lecture. Instead, stay calm. “The way you just spoke to me isn’t okay. I need you to try again with a respectful tone.” This addresses the behavior without matching their emotional intensity.
Name the behavior, not the child:
Say “That was disrespectful” not “You’re being disrespectful.” The first addresses the action. The second attacks their character. When you criticize the behavior rather than the person, they’re more likely to hear you.
Use natural consequences:
If they slam their door, the consequence might be the door stays open for a day. If they refuse to put their phone down for dinner, the phone gets taken away until they can follow the rule. Natural consequences teach cause and effect without you having to be the bad guy.
Don’t engage with the attitude itself:
If they roll their eyes or sigh while complying with your request, don’t take the bait. “I see you’re annoyed. You still need to do it.” Then walk away. Don’t argue about the eye roll. That just creates a power struggle about something that doesn’t matter.
Here’s what this could look like:
A parent asks their 11-year-old to empty the dishwasher. The child sighs dramatically, rolls their eyes, and says “Ugh, why do I always have to do everything?” The parent could escalate: “Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me! You barely do anything around here!” Or they could stay calm: “I hear that you’re frustrated. The dishwasher still needs to be emptied. You can do it now or lose screen time tonight.” Then walk away. The child will likely grumble but do the task. The eye roll doesn’t get attention, but the expectation remains clear.
Strategy 3: Create Connection Points That Aren’t About Rules
When every interaction with your pre-teen is you enforcing rules or correcting behavior, they start seeing you as the enemy. You need regular positive interactions to balance the corrective ones.
Find small moments to connect:
Ask about their day without interrogating. Share something funny you saw. Watch a show they like with them even if it’s not your thing. These small moments matter more than big attempts at quality time.
Show interest in their world:
Ask about their favorite YouTuber or game or what’s happening in their friend group. Don’t judge or lecture. Just listen. When they feel heard about things that matter to them, they’re more likely to hear you when you need to correct behavior.
Surprise them with grace:
Occasionally let something slide that you’d normally enforce. “I know I said no screen time until homework is done, but I can see you’re stressed. Take 20 minutes to decompress, then homework.” These moments of unexpected grace build goodwill.
Maintain physical affection (if they allow it):
Some pre-teens still want hugs. Others suddenly find physical affection mortifying. Follow their lead. But offer casual touch when you can—a hand on the shoulder, ruffling their hair. Physical connection helps even when verbal connection is difficult.
Why this matters:
Your relationship is the foundation that makes discipline work. When your pre-teen feels connected to you and knows you’re on their side, they’re more likely to respond to boundaries. And when they only interact with you around rules and consequences, they dig in harder.
When to Seek Professional Help
Most pre-teen attitude is a phase that improves as they mature. But sometimes attitude is actually a sign of something deeper that needs professional attention.
Signs you should consider therapy:
The attitude has escalated to aggression or violence. Your pre-teen shows no empathy and seems to enjoy hurting others. They’re lying constantly about serious things and you can’t trust them. School performance has dropped significantly. They’ve withdrawn from all activities and friends. You suspect depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. The family dynamic has become so toxic that everyone is miserable.
What therapy offers:
Individual therapy gives your pre-teen a safe place to process emotions they can’t express at home. Family therapy helps everyone learn better communication and conflict resolution. A therapist can assess whether behavior issues stem from ADHD, anxiety, depression, or other underlying conditions. Parent coaching provides strategies specific to your child’s needs.
At Therapy with Empathy in Ottawa:
We work with pre-teens and their families to navigate this challenging developmental stage. Using approaches adapted for this age group, we help pre-teens develop emotional regulation skills, address underlying mental health concerns, and improve family communication. Parent coaching helps you respond effectively to attitude and know when concern is warranted.
If your pre-teen’s attitude has you worried or if family conflict has become overwhelming, professional support can help. Book a free consultation at therapywithempathy.janeapp.com or call our Westboro office to learn more.
The Long Game: Why This Stage Matters
It’s easy to focus on just surviving the pre-teen years. But how you handle this stage actually sets the foundation for the teenage years ahead.
What you’re really teaching:
- When you stay calm in the face of attitude, you’re teaching emotional regulation by example.
- When you enforce boundaries consistently, you’re teaching that rules matter.
- When you pick your battles, you’re teaching that not everything is worth fighting over.
- When you maintain connection during conflict, you’re teaching that relationships can survive disagreement.
The goal isn’t obedience:
The goal is raising a teenager who can think for themselves, manage emotions, and make good decisions even when you’re not around. Some boundary-pushing is necessary for that development. Your job isn’t to eliminate all attitude. Instead, your job is to channel it toward independence while maintaining respect.
They still need you:
Even when your pre-teen acts like they don’t want anything to do with you, they need you desperately. They need you to set boundaries they’re testing; they need you to stay calm when they can’t; and they need you to love them even when they’re being difficult. This stage is hard, but it doesn’t last forever. The child who rolls their eyes at you today is building skills for the adult they’ll become.
Pre-teen attitude is frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes hurtful. But it’s also normal, developmentally necessary, and manageable with the right strategies. Stay consistent, pick your battles, and remember that this phase will pass.