Navigating Grief and Loss: Why Letting Go Feels Impossible
The funeral ended months ago. Since then, everyone else seems to have moved on. They stopped asking how you’re doing because they expect you to be “over it” by now.
But, you’re not over it. The grief still hits you at random moments, like when a certain song plays on the radio, or when you see an empty chair at the dinner table. Because these emotions feel just as intense as they did on day one, you might wonder if something is wrong with you.
Here’s what you need to know: there’s nothing wrong with you. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. In fact, the intensity you’re feeling isn’t a sign that you’re doing it wrong; it’s a sign that you loved deeply.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with people navigating grief and loss, we see clients struggling with this exact experience every day. They often feel:
- Guilty for not “moving on” fast enough.
- Frustrated because the pain hasn’t lessened yet.
- Isolated because no one else seems to understand their suffering.
Ultimately, the truth about grief is that it’s not something you get over. Instead, it’s something you learn to carry. This guide will help you understand why your emotions are so intense and how to navigate loss when nothing feels like it’s getting better.
Why Grief Feels Like It’s Never Going to End
Most people expect grief to follow a straight path. You might have thought the pain would gradually fade and that each month would be easier than the last. Eventually, you believed you’d “heal” and life would return to normal.
Instead, grief comes in waves. Some days you feel okay, but on other days, you’re knocked flat by emotions you thought you’d already handled. Because of this unpredictability, grief can feel like an endless cycle.
The Truth About Grief Timelines
Our culture often treats grief like a project with a deadline. For example, people expect you to take some time off, attend the funeral, and then “move forward.” Unfortunately, this approach completely misunderstands how grief works.
In reality, grief doesn’t have an endpoint. You don’t “finish” grieving someone you loved. The pain changes shape over time, but it doesn’t disappear completely. While understanding this doesn’t make the pain go away, it does make it feel less lonely. Your experience is normal, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Why Some Losses Hit Harder Than Others
Not all grief is equal. For instance, losing a parent you had a complicated relationship with feels different than losing a partner you built your entire life around. Additionally, several factors can make grief feel more intense and prolonged:
- Ambiguous Loss: This happens when there is no “closure,” such as when a person goes missing or has dementia.
- Disenfranchised Grief: These are losses that society doesn’t always recognize, like a miscarriage, the death of a pet, or the end of a friendship.
- Traumatic Loss: Sudden or violent deaths carry extra trauma on top of the sadness.
- Multiple Losses: This occurs when you are grieving more than one thing at once, such as losing a job while also mourning a friend.
The Intense Emotions of Grief
Grief brings up feelings you may have never experienced before. Because these emotions are so strong, they can make you question your sanity. Here are the five primary emotions people face:
- Bottomless Sadness: This isn’t normal sadness. It’s a heavy weight in your chest that makes your whole body feel tired.
- Targetless Anger: You might feel rage at doctors, at God, or even at the person who left. Even though it feels wrong, anger is just your brain’s way of trying to find control.
- Constant Guilt: You might haunt yourself with things you “should” have done. However, remember that guilt is often just a way your mind tries to stay connected to the person.
- Widespread Fear: Loss makes the world feel unsafe. As a result, you might become hyper-aware of your own mortality or worry constantly about other people you love.
- Confusing Relief: If the person was suffering for a long time, you might feel relief. Then, guilt sets in. It is important to know that relief and grief can exist at the same time.
What “Letting Go” Actually Means
People keep telling you to “let go,” but every time you try, it feels like you’re betraying the person you lost. However, letting go doesn’t mean forgetting them.
Instead, letting go means accepting that they are gone and you cannot change it. It means loosening your grip on “how things should have been” and creating space for life to continue. In other words, you aren’t moving away from them; you are carrying them with you in a new form.
Practical Strategies for Surviving Intense Grief
If you are exhausted from trying to “fix” your grief, remember that grief isn’t a problem to be solved. That said, there are ways to make the weight easier to carry:
- Create Rituals: Light a candle or write a letter. Rituals give your pain a specific time and place to exist.
- Set a Grief Timer: Give yourself 20 minutes a day to cry and feel everything. Once the timer ends, try to shift your focus to a different task.
- Move Your Body: Grief gets trapped in the body. Therefore, even a 10-minute walk can help release some of that emotional energy.
- Say Their Name: Don’t let silence make your grief lonelier. Keep sharing stories and memories of the person you lost.
FAQ About Grief and Loss
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. The intensity of acute grief typically peaks in the first 6 to 12 months after a loss, but grief itself continues indefinitely. You don’t “get over” someone you loved. Instead, grief changes shape over time, becoming less overwhelming and more integrated into your life.
Factors affecting grief duration include the nature of the loss, your relationship to what was lost, your support system, and whether the loss was traumatic or complicated. Some people function well within months while others experience intense grief for years. Both experiences are normal. If grief is interfering with your daily functioning beyond 12 to 18 months, therapy can help. At Therapy with Empathy in Ottawa, we support people navigating both acute and prolonged grief using evidence-based approaches.
Yes, experiencing intense grief years after a loss is normal, especially for certain types of losses. Losing a child, losing a partner young, sudden or traumatic loss, and losses without closure often create prolonged, intense grief. Grief also comes in waves. You might feel you’ve “moved on” and then experience intense grief on anniversaries, holidays, or triggered by specific reminders. This doesn’t mean you’re regressing.
Grief isn’t linear. However, if your grief remains at the same intensity as the day of the loss years later, or if you’re unable to function in daily life, you might be experiencing complicated grief. Therapy can help you process stuck grief and find ways to honor your loss while engaging with life again. Ottawa therapists at Therapy with Empathy specialize in working with complicated and prolonged grief.
Guilt about experiencing joy after loss is extremely common. Many people fear that feeling happy means they’re forgetting the person they lost or that they didn’t love them enough. This guilt comes from confusing grief with love. You believe that if you truly loved them, you should suffer forever. That’s not true. Continuing to live, laugh, and experience joy doesn’t diminish your love or dishonor the person you lost. Most people who’ve died would want their loved ones to experience happiness again.
Guilt can also be your grief’s way of maintaining connection. If you feel guilty, you’re still attached. The guilt says “I didn’t forget you.” Over time, as you learn that joy and grief can coexist, the guilt typically lessens. Therapy helps you work through grief guilt and develop a relationship with the person you lost that allows for both remembrance and continued living.
Grief and depression can look similar but they’re different experiences. Grief comes in waves, with periods of intense sadness mixed with moments of relief or even happiness. Depression is more constant, a low mood that colors everything. In grief, thinking about the person or loss triggers pain. In depression, everything triggers hopelessness. People grieving can still experience joy and connection, even if briefly.
People with depression struggle to feel pleasure or connection at all. Grief maintains your sense of self-worth. Depression includes persistent feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. However, grief can trigger depression, and the two can happen at the same time. If your grief includes persistent hopelessness, inability to function, loss of interest in everything, or suicidal thoughts, you may be experiencing depression alongside grief. Both conditions benefit from professional support. At Therapy with Empathy, we help Ottawa clients understand whether they’re experiencing grief, depression, or both, and provide appropriate treatment for their specific needs.
When to Seek Professional Support
While most grief gradually becomes manageable, some grief becomes “complicated.” This means it interferes with your ability to live your life. You might need extra support if you experience:
- Intense pain that doesn’t lessen after 12–18 months.
- An inability to function at work or in relationships.
- Substance abuse to numb the pain.
Fortunately, therapy can help. At Therapy with Empathy, we work with people in Ottawa and across Ontario to navigate these feelings. We use specialized tools like EMDR and CBT to help you process the trauma of loss.
If you are struggling, please remember that you don’t have to navigate this alone. You can book a free consultation to start your journey toward carrying your grief with more ease.