Feeling Guilty About Moving Forward After Loss: How to Take the Next Step Without Forgetting
You’re starting to feel ready. Ready to date again after your divorce, to get a new dog after your beloved pet died, to apply for jobs after losing the career you built, or to try for another baby after a miscarriage.
But the moment you think about moving forward, guilt crashes over you. Because moving forward feels like leaving them behind. Like saying what you had didn’t matter. Like you’re forgetting the person, the relationship, the dream that you lost.
So you stay stuck. Not quite grieving anymore, but not moving forward either. You’re in this uncomfortable middle space where you know you’re ready for something new, but you feel like you’re betraying the past by wanting it.
Here’s what you need to remember about grief: healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Moving forward doesn’t mean what you lost didn’t matter. And feeling ready for the next chapter doesn’t erase the previous one.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with people navigating grief and loss, we see clients struggle with this exact guilt constantly. They’re ready to move on. But they’re terrified that moving on means being disloyal, ungrateful, or cold-hearted.
The truth is, you can honor what you lost while still embracing what’s next. This guide will show you how to move forward without guilt, how to carry your loss with you in healthy ways, and when readiness to move on is actually a sign of healing, not betrayal.
Why Moving Forward Feels Like Betrayal
After you lose something or someone significant, a strange thing happens. The loss becomes part of your identity. You’re “the widow.” “The divorced one.” “The person who lost their baby.” “The one whose dog died.”
At first, this identity makes sense. It explains why you’re not okay. It gives structure to your grief. People understand why you’re sad, withdrawn, or different than you used to be.
But over time, this grief identity becomes a prison. Because when you start feeling better, when you start thinking about moving forward, it feels like you’re abandoning who you’ve become. Like you’re betraying the person or thing you lost by not staying in grief forever.
What this guilt sounds like:
- “If I start dating, does that mean my marriage didn’t matter?”
- “If I get a new dog, am I replacing the one I lost?”
- “If I move to a new city, am I leaving behind the life we built together?”
- “If I stop crying when I think about them, does that mean I didn’t love them enough?”
Why this guilt is so powerful:
Guilt maintains connection. When you feel guilty about moving forward, you’re proving to yourself (and maybe to them) that you haven’t forgotten. The guilt says: “See? I still care. I’m still loyal. I haven’t moved on.”
But here’s the problem. This guilt doesn’t actually honor what you lost. Instead, it keeps you stuck. It prevents you from living fully. And the person you lost, or the relationship you had, wouldn’t want that for you.
The Difference Between Moving On and Moving Forward
Most people use “moving on” and “moving forward” like they mean the same thing. But they don’t. Understanding the difference is crucial to releasing the guilt.
Moving on suggests:
Leaving the past behind completely. Forgetting what happened or who you lost. Replacing one person or experience with another. Acting like the loss didn’t change you.
Moving forward means:
Taking the loss with you as you continue living. Learning from what happened and letting it shape (not define) you. Creating space for new experiences while honoring old ones. Allowing joy and grief to coexist.
When you think about it as “moving forward” instead of “moving on,” the guilt often lessens. Because you’re not leaving anything behind. Instead, you’re carrying it with you in a new way.
What moving forward looks like:
- You start dating again, but you’re different because of what your marriage taught you.
- You get a new dog, but you tell stories about your old dog to keep their memory alive.
- You apply for new jobs, but you honor the skills and growth from your previous career.
- You try for another baby, but you acknowledge the child you lost and what they meant to you.
The past becomes part of your story. Not the whole story. But an important chapter that led you to where you are now.
Three Signs You’re Actually Ready (Even If Guilt Says Otherwise)
Guilt about moving forward isn’t always a sign you’re not ready. Sometimes it’s just a sign that you’re loyal, loving, and scared. Here’s how to tell the difference between not being ready and being ready but feeling guilty about it.
Sign 1: You’re Thinking About the Future Without Forcing It
When you’re not ready to move forward, thinking about the future feels impossible or forced. You can’t imagine it. Or when you try, it feels hollow and wrong.
But when you’re ready, thoughts about the future start showing up naturally. You don’t have to force yourself to imagine it. Instead, it just… appears in your mind. Maybe you see a cute dog at the park and think “I could have a dog again.”, or you meet someone and think “I could see myself dating.”, or you drive past a different neighborhood and think “I could live there.”
Why this matters:
Your brain naturally starts looking forward when it’s processed enough of the past. These spontaneous thoughts about the future are your internal system saying: “We’re ready for something new.”
What to do with the guilt:
When these thoughts come up and guilt follows immediately, notice both. “I’m thinking about dating again. And I’m feeling guilty about it. Both can be true.” The guilt doesn’t cancel out the readiness. They coexist.
Sign 2: You Can Think About What You Lost Without Falling Apart
Early in grief, thinking about your loss completely derails you. One memory triggers a crying session that lasts hours. One reminder ruins your entire day. This is normal and necessary. You need that intense emotional release to process what happened.
But when you’re ready to move forward, something shifts. You can think about what you lost and feel sad without being destroyed by it. The sadness is there, but it’s softer. You can hold it without it consuming you.
This doesn’t mean:
You don’t care anymore. You’re “over it.” The loss doesn’t matter. It just means your nervous system has processed enough of the shock and pain that you can function while also missing what you lost.
Here’s what this could look like:
Imagine someone whose husband died. For the first year, she couldn’t look at photos of him without sobbing. By year two, she could look at photos and smile while tears came. She said: “I can miss him and also remember the good times without falling apart. That’s when I knew I was ready to start living again.”
Sign 3: You Want Something New for Yourself, Not to Escape the Pain
Sometimes people rush into new relationships, new pets, new jobs because they can’t sit with the pain of their loss. This isn’t readiness. Instead, it’s avoidance. And it usually backfires because the unprocessed grief shows up in the new situation.
But when you’re truly ready, you want something new because you want it. Not because you’re running from pain. You’ve sat with the grief. You’ve processed it (enough, not completely). Now you have space for something new alongside the grief, not instead of it.
How to tell the difference:
Ask yourself: “Am I seeking this new thing because I genuinely want it? Or because I can’t stand feeling sad anymore?” If the honest answer is “I can’t stand feeling sad,” wait. Do more grief work. If the answer is “I actually want this and I’m ready,” trust that.
How to Honor What You Lost While Embracing What’s Next
You don’t have to choose between honoring the past and living in the present. You can do both. Here’s how.
Strategy 1: Create Rituals That Keep the Memory Alive
When you’re ready to move forward, you need permission to do so. But you also need ways to ensure you won’t forget. Rituals solve both problems.
A ritual is a deliberate action that honors what you lost while acknowledging that life continues. It creates a container for your grief so it doesn’t have to be everywhere all the time.
Examples of rituals:
Before you start dating, write a letter to your ex thanking them for what the relationship taught you. Before you get a new dog, create a photo album of your previous dog and look through it once a month. On the anniversary of your loss, do something meaningful. Light a candle. Visit a place that mattered. Donate to a cause in their name.
Why rituals work:
They give you a specific time and place to remember. This means you don’t have to carry the weight of remembering every single moment. You’ve created space to honor the loss. Then you can move forward knowing you have this ritual to return to.
Important note:
The ritual should feel meaningful to you, not performative for others. It’s not about proving you remember. Instead, it’s about giving yourself permission to remember in a contained way so you can live freely the rest of the time.
Strategy 2: Tell Stories That Keep Them Present
One of the biggest fears about moving forward is that the person or relationship will be forgotten. But you have control over that. You can keep them present through storytelling.
When you get a new dog, you can tell people about your previous dog. “My last dog used to do this funny thing where…” When you start dating someone new, you can mention your ex when it’s relevant. “My ex-husband taught me to love hiking. That’s why I’m into it now.”
Why this matters:
When you talk about what you lost, you’re integrating it into your current life. You’re showing yourself (and others) that moving forward doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. The past shaped you. It’s part of your story.
What this is NOT:
Constantly comparing the new to the old. “My old dog never did that.” “My ex would have handled this differently.” That’s not honoring the past. Instead, that’s staying stuck in it. The difference is subtle but important.
Healthy storytelling:
Mentions the past when it’s relevant. Acknowledges what you learned or loved. Then returns focus to the present. You’re not living in the past. You’re just acknowledging it existed and mattered.
Strategy 3: Give Yourself Permission to Feel Joy Without Guilt
The hardest part of moving forward is allowing yourself to feel happy about something new without immediately feeling guilty about it. But joy and grief can coexist. You can be excited about a new relationship while also missing your ex. You can love your new dog while also remembering your old one.
How to practice this:
When you feel joy about something new and guilt immediately follows, pause. Notice both feelings. Say to yourself: “I’m allowed to feel happy about this. It doesn’t erase what I lost. Both can be true.”
Then intentionally redirect. Don’t let the guilt steal the joy. You can honor your loss later. Right now, let yourself feel good about this new thing.
Why this is hard:
Guilt is a loyalty signal. It says “I haven’t forgotten you.” But you can be loyal to what you lost without punishing yourself by refusing joy. In fact, living fully honors them more than staying stuck in grief forever.
Here’s what this could look like:
Think of someone whose wife died of cancer. Two years later, he starts dating. He feels guilty every time he enjoys himself with the new person. If they were working with us, we would focus on this statement: “She loved me and wanted me to be happy. Being happy now honors her love for me. Staying miserable forever doesn’t honor anything.” That reframe would most likely change everything for him.
When Moving Forward Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means
Sometimes the guilt about moving forward is based on a misunderstanding of what moving forward actually requires. Let’s clear up some common myths.
Myth 1: Moving forward means you’re “over” the loss.
Not true. You’re never completely “over” significant losses. Instead, you learn to carry them differently. Moving forward means the grief isn’t consuming your entire life anymore. But it’s still there.
Myth 2: If you’re truly ready, you won’t feel any guilt or sadness.
Also not true. Feeling ready and feeling guilty can happen at the same time. In fact, they often do. Readiness doesn’t eliminate grief. It just means you have room for other things alongside the grief.
Myth 3: You need permission from others to move forward.
Absolutely not. Other people might have opinions about your timeline. “Isn’t it too soon?” “How can you already be thinking about that?” Your grief timeline is yours alone. You don’t need anyone’s permission to heal at your own pace.
Myth 4: Moving forward betrays the person you lost.
This is the biggest myth. Moving forward doesn’t betray anyone. Instead, staying stuck in grief forever is often what betrays them. Because the people who loved you wouldn’t want you to stop living. They’d want you to carry what you learned from them into the next chapter.
Different Types of Loss, Different Types of Moving Forward
Moving forward looks different depending on what you lost. Here’s how to think about readiness for different kinds of loss.
After a divorce or breakup:
You’re ready to date when you’ve processed why the relationship ended and what you learned from it. You’re not looking for someone to “fix” the pain of the breakup. Instead, you’re genuinely curious about meeting someone new. You’ve done the work to understand your patterns so you don’t repeat them.
After a death:
You’re ready to open your heart again when you can think about the person without being consumed by grief. You understand that loving someone new doesn’t erase the person who died. You’ve created ways to honor their memory that feel right to you.
After losing a pet:
You’re ready for a new pet when you can imagine giving love to an animal without constantly comparing them to your previous pet. You understand that the new pet won’t be a replacement. Instead, they’ll be their own animal that you’ll love differently.
After a miscarriage or infant loss:
You’re ready to try again when you’ve processed the grief of the child you lost. When you can imagine loving a new baby without that love being diminished by the loss. When you’re not trying again to “fix” the loss but because you genuinely want another child.
After losing a job or career:
You’re ready for something new when you’ve grieved the identity and purpose you lost. When you can imagine building something different without it feeling like you failed at the old thing, and when you’re moving toward something, not just away from pain.
When Guilt About Moving Forward Needs Professional Support
Sometimes guilt about moving forward is more than just normal grief process. Sometimes it’s a sign of complicated grief that needs professional help.
Signs your guilt needs therapy:
You’ve been ready to move forward for months or years but guilt stops you every time. The guilt is so intense it’s preventing you from functioning or making any decisions. You’re having intrusive thoughts about betraying the person you lost. You can’t imagine ever feeling okay about moving forward no matter how much time passes.
What therapy offers:
A therapist can help you understand where the guilt is coming from. Often it’s not just about the loss itself. Instead, it’s about deeper beliefs about loyalty, worthiness, or whether you deserve good things. Therapy helps you work through these beliefs so guilt stops controlling your life.
At Therapy with Empathy in Westboro, Ottawa, we work with people navigating all types of loss. Using approaches like EMDR for traumatic loss, Internal Family Systems (IFS) for processing complicated emotions, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for challenging guilty thoughts, we help clients honor what they lost while reclaiming their lives.
FAQ About Moving Forward After Loss
There’s no universal timeline for moving forward after loss. The “right” time depends on the type of loss, your attachment to what you lost, your support system, and your individual grief process. Some people feel ready to move forward within months. Others need years. Both are normal. The key indicator isn’t time, but internal readiness.
You’re ready when thoughts about the future occur naturally (not forced), when you can think about what you lost without falling apart, and when you want something new for itself (not to escape grief). Keep in mind that your timeline is yours alone. At Therapy with Empathy in Ottawa, we help clients determine whether their readiness is genuine or whether they’re avoiding unprocessed grief. Sometimes what feels like readiness is actually avoidance. A therapist can help you distinguish between the two.
Yes, this is completely normal and actually very common. Feeling excited about something new (a new relationship, a new pet, a new opportunity) while simultaneously feeling guilty about that excitement is a sign that you’re transitioning from grief to healing. The excitement shows you’re ready for the next chapter. The guilt shows you’re loyal and haven’t forgotten what you lost. Both feelings are valid and they don’t cancel each other out.
Over time, as you practice allowing joy without immediately punishing yourself with guilt, the balance typically shifts. The excitement grows stronger and the guilt lessens. But even years later, you might have moments where guilt resurfaces. This doesn’t mean you’re regressing or that you’ve done something wrong. Instead, it just means you’re human and you loved deeply. The goal isn’t eliminating guilt completely. Rather, it’s learning to feel it without letting it control your decisions.
This is an important question because moving forward prematurely can create problems. Signs you might be avoiding grief rather than genuinely ready include: jumping into something new immediately after the loss with no time to process, using the new thing to distract yourself from thinking about what you lost, feeling panicked or desperate about filling the void quickly, and being unable to talk about or acknowledge the loss.
Healthy moving forward includes: you’ve spent time grieving and processing the loss, you can talk about what you lost without falling apart, you want the new thing for its own value (not as a replacement), and you have moments of doubt or sadness but overall feel ready. If you’re unsure, slow down. Grief that’s rushed or avoided will surface later, often in the new situation. It’s better to take time you might not need than to rush forward and realize you weren’t ready. Therapy can help you assess your true readiness versus avoidance.
First, consider who’s expressing concern and why. Most often, when people close to you say “isn’t it too soon?”, they’re not judging you—they care about you and don’t want to see you get hurt. Before dismissing their feedback, ask yourself: who is this coming from? If it’s your best friend who’s walked with you through this loss, that feedback deserves consideration. If it’s a distant acquaintance, they might not know you well it enough for their feedback to carry weight.
When concern comes from people who care, have an honest conversation. You might say: “I hear that you’re worried. Can you tell me what specifically concerns you?” Listen to their answer, then share your process: “I understand this seems fast. But I’ve been doing a lot of work processing this loss. I’ve been in therapy. I’ve let myself grieve. I genuinely feel ready for this step.” There’s a big difference between “I’m ready because I’ve done the grief work” and “I’m ready because I can’t stand feeling sad anymore.”
Take their concern as an invitation to honestly assess yourself: Have you actually done the work? Can you think about what you lost without falling apart? If you’ve genuinely processed the loss and you’re ready, you can move forward with confidence. However, if multiple people who love you are all expressing the same concern, pause. People on the outside sometimes see patterns we can’t see ourselves. Your grief timeline ultimately belongs to you, and your pace might be different than what others expect. That’s okay as long as you’ve actually done the internal work to process what happened.
Permission to Move Forward
You don’t need permission from anyone to move forward after loss. But if you’re looking for it anyway, here it is:
- You’re allowed to be ready even if it might seem too soon to others (to the extent you do the work).
- You’re allowed to want something new even if it feels disloyal.
- You’re allowed to feel happy without drowning in guilt.
- You’re allowed to honor what you lost while embracing what’s next.
Moving forward doesn’t erase the past. Instead, it proves you survived it. And survival doesn’t have to look like permanent sadness. Sometimes survival looks like opening your heart again. Getting a new dog. Trying for another baby. Starting a new career. Dating someone new.
The people and experiences you lost shaped who you are. They’re woven into you. You carry them forward whether you’re conscious of it or not. Moving forward doesn’t change that. It just means you’re choosing to live fully despite loss, not in spite of it.
If you’re struggling with guilt about moving forward after loss, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Book a free consultation or call our Westboro office in Ottawa to get support navigating this tender transition.