Communication in Relationships: A Guide for Ottawa Couples
You told your partner exactly what was wrong. You were clear. You were honest. However, they somehow still don’t get it.
Here’s what’s actually happening: you’re communicating at the wrong level. As a therapist working with couples in Ottawa, I see this pattern constantly. High-performing professionals who excel at communication in every other area of life often struggle to connect with their partners at home. It’s not because they’re bad communicators. Rather, it’s because they’re operating at Level 1 when intimacy requires Level 3.
Let me show you what that means.
The Three Levels of Communication in Relationships
Everyone tells you to “communicate better,” but nobody defines what that actually means. Most people think being honest equals good communication. In reality, it doesn’t. Honesty is just the first level.
Level 1: Being Honest
Definition: Telling the truth when asked.
Example: Your partner asks, “Did you pick up the kids?” You say, “No, I forgot.“
That’s honest. However, it’s also the bare minimum. You’re answering the question, but you’re not giving context. Consequently, your partner knows WHAT happened, but not WHY. And that “why” is where connection lives.
Level 2: Being Transparent
Definition: Sharing information that wasn’t explicitly asked but affects your partner.
This is the information that, if you withheld it, would change how your partner feels or responds.
Same scenario, Level 2: “I didn’t pick up the kids. I forgot because I got caught up in a work crisis and lost track of time. I know I said I’d do it and I dropped the ball.“
Now your partner understands the context. They’re not wondering if you just didn’t care. As a result, transparency builds trust because you’re volunteering information, not just answering questions.
Level 3: Being Vulnerable
Definition: Sharing the deeper feelings underneath (the ones that make you uncomfortable).
This is where most people stop. Why? Because vulnerability exposes you to potential rejection.
Same scenario, Level 3: “I didn’t pick up the kids. The truth is, going to that competitive sports practice reminds me of what I’m missing. I used to be good at that sport. I don’t have time for it anymore. And showing up there forces me to face that loss. So part of me avoided it.”
This is the level where real connection happens. Because now your partner understands you’re not irresponsible (you’re grieving something). This then gives your partner the opportunity to actually support you instead of being angry at you.
Why This Matters for Busy Ottawa Couples
Here’s what I see in my couples therapy practice: successful professionals are excellent at Level 1 (honest). They’re decent at Level 2 (transparent). However, they avoid Level 3 (vulnerable) because it feels inefficient and uncomfortable.
The thing is, Level 3 is where intimacy lives. Without it, your partner knows what you’re doing, but not who you are.
Real Examples of the Three Levels
Let me show you what this looks like in everyday situations.
Example 1: The Dinner Text
The setup: You’ve been in meetings since 7am. You text your partner at 6pm: “Dinner out tonight?” They respond: “Too tired.” As soon as you get that text, you become frustrated.
Here’s what just happened at each level:
Level 1 (Honest): “Dinner out tonight?“
You’re being honest (you do want to know about dinner). However, you didn’t say what you actually want.
Level 2 (Transparent): “I’ve barely seen you all week. Want to grab dinner out tonight so we can catch up?“
Now they know this isn’t just about food (it’s about reconnecting). They might still say no. But, they understand the context.
Level 3 (Vulnerable): “I’ve barely seen you all week and I miss you. Can we get 90 minutes tonight (doesn’t matter if it’s dinner out or takeout on the couch)? I just want uninterrupted time with you. What works?“
See the difference? You’re not just asking about dinner. Instead, you’re asking for connection.
Even if they’re exhausted, they understand what’s at stake. As a result, they might say: “I’m wiped, but let’s order in and actually sit together instead of eating in front of the TV.“
Both of you win.
Example 2: The Cancelled Plans
The setup: You cancelled date night. Again. Work came up. Your partner is upset.
Level 1 (Honest): “I had to cancel. Work emergency.“
True. However, it doesn’t address why this keeps happening.
Level 2 (Transparent): “I had to cancel because a client crisis came up. I know this is the third time this month. I can see why you’re frustrated.“
Better. You’re acknowledging the pattern.
Level 3 (Vulnerable): “I cancelled again and I know that hurts. The truth is, I feel guilty saying no at work because I’m scared of disappointing people. I know I’m prioritizing them over you and that’s not okay. I don’t know how to fix it yet. But, I need you to know I see it and I’m working on it.“
Now your partner knows this isn’t about them not mattering. Instead, it’s about you struggling with boundaries. That’s something you can work on together.
Example 3: The “I’m Fine”
The setup: Your partner asks how you’re doing. You’re not fine, but you say you are.
Level 1 (Lying): “I’m fine.“
You’re literally lying. Therefore, this isn’t even Level 1.
Level 2 (Transparent): “Actually, I’m not fine. Work was brutal today and I’m exhausted.“
Now they know what’s going on.
Level 3 (Vulnerable): “I’m not fine. I feel like I’m failing at everything (work is overwhelming, I’m short with you, I haven’t seen my friends in months). I don’t know how to keep up and I’m scared I’m letting everyone down, including you.“
This is hard to say. But, now your partner can meet you where you actually are. As a result, they can help you, support you, or just sit with you in it.
Why You Avoid Vulnerability
The High-Performer Problem
You’re successful because you solve problems efficiently. However, vulnerability can be inefficient at times. It requires you to slow down, feel uncomfortable, and not know the answer.
For people who pride themselves on competence, that feels like weakness.
The Four Fears That Keep You at Level 1 and 2
Fear 1: “If I’m vulnerable, they’ll see me as weak”
Reality: Vulnerability isn’t weakness (it’s courage). Your partner doesn’t need you to be perfect. Rather, they need you to be real.
Fear 2: “If I share this, they’ll use it against me”
This is valid if you’re in a toxic relationship. However, if you’re with someone safe and you still can’t be vulnerable, the problem isn’t them (it’s you protecting yourself from connection).
Fear 3: “If I say what I really need, they might not give it to me”
So you don’t ask. As a result, you definitely don’t get it. You’re choosing guaranteed disappointment over possible disappointment.
Fear 4: “I don’t even know what I’m feeling”
Common for high-performers who operate in logic mode. You’re so used to thinking your way through everything that you’ve disconnected from your emotions. But, this is a skill you have to rebuild.
What Happens When You Stay at Level 1 and 2
Your partner knows what you’re doing and thinking. However, they don’t know who you are or what you need.
Eventually, you become roommates managing logistics. Intimacy dies not from big explosions, but from never going deep.
How to Communicate at Level 3
Use this framework I teach my couples therapy clients in Ottawa: Name, Claim, Ask.
Step 1: Name the Feeling
First, identify what you’re actually feeling (not just “stressed” or “fine”).
Get specific: hurt, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, inadequate, disconnected.
Example: “I feel scared that I’m losing you” is way more powerful than “I feel stressed about us.“
Step 2: Claim the Need
Next, determine what you actually need from your partner. Connection? Support? Understanding? Space? Reassurance?
Say it directly: “I need to feel like I matter to you” or “I need reassurance that we’re okay.”
Step 3: Ask for What Would Help
Finally, give them something concrete they can do.
- “Can we have 30 minutes tonight to just talk?“
- “I need you to tell me you’re not going anywhere“
- “Can you help me figure this out?“
The Soft Startup Technique
Before a difficult conversation, give your partner a heads-up. For instance, you might say:
“This is going to be a difficult conversation, but I need to talk about it.“
Or: “I want to share something with you but I don’t know yet how I feel about it (for now I just want to talk).“
This prevents them from going into defense mode before you’ve even started. Moreover, it signals: “I’m being vulnerable here, please be gentle.”
What This Looks Like in Practice
Instead of: “You never listen to me” (blame)
Try: “I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone. I need to feel like what I’m saying matters to you. Can you put your phone away when we’re talking?“
Instead of: “You don’t care about this relationship” (attack)
Try: “I’m scared we’re drifting apart. I need to feel connected to you. Can we protect one night a week for just us?“
Why This Changes Everything
Most communication advice tells you to “use I-statements” or “don’t raise your voice.” That’s fine. However, it misses the point.
The real problem is you’re communicating at the wrong depth. You’re giving facts when your partner needs feelings.
What Changes When You Go to Level 3
Firstly, your partner stops guessing what’s wrong. Secondly, they stop feeling like they’re failing you (because they don’t know what you need). Additionally, fights get shorter because you’re addressing the real issue, not the surface complaint. Finally, your relationship stops feeling like work and starts feeling like connection.
For High-Performers
This will feel uncomfortable at first. You’re used to having answers. However, vulnerability doesn’t come with answers.
That’s the point. You’re not solving a problem (you’re sharing yourself). That’s how intimacy works.
Getting Started with Vulnerable Communication
This week, pick one conversation. Before you respond at Level 1 or 2, ask yourself: “What’s the vulnerable truth here?“
Share that instead. See what happens.
Ultimately, your partner doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be real. That’s the difference between a relationship that functions and one that feels alive.
If you’re struggling to communicate at deeper levels in your relationship, couples therapy can help. Book a free consultation to work with a therapist who specializes in helping high-performing couples reconnect.