How to Address Unresolved Family Conflict When Everyone Else Wants to Pretend It’s Fine
Something happened. Maybe it was months ago. Maybe it was years ago. But it’s still sitting there between you and your family member like a wall you both pretend doesn’t exist.
You want to talk about it. To clear the air. To actually resolve what happened instead of tiptoeing around it forever. But every time you try to bring it up, they shut it down. “That’s in the past.” “Why are you holding onto this?” “Can’t we just move forward?”
So you bite your tongue. You show up for holidays. You make small talk. But the tension is always there. You can feel it in every conversation, every text message, every family gathering where you avoid being in the same room.
Here’s what makes this so frustrating: you’re the only one who seems to care about fixing it. Everyone else acts like sweeping it under the rug is the same as resolving it. Like ignoring a problem makes it disappear. But you know that’s not true. Because you can still feel it.
As therapists in Ottawa who work with people navigating complicated family dynamics, we see this pattern constantly. One family member wants to address conflict directly. The others want to avoid it at all costs. This leaves the direct person feeling crazy, silenced, or like they’re “making a big deal out of nothing.”
The truth is, unresolved conflict doesn’t go away just because people stop talking about it. Instead, it festers. It damages relationships slowly over time. And eventually, it either explodes or the relationship dies completely. This guide will show you how to address family conflict even when your family doesn’t want to talk about it.
Why Some Families Sweep Everything Under the Rug
Not all families handle conflict the same way. Some families fight loudly, resolve it, and move on. Others never fight at all. They just pretend problems don’t exist and hope they disappear on their own.
If you grew up in a conflict-avoidant family, addressing issues directly probably feels impossible. Because you’re fighting against decades of family patterns that say: “We don’t talk about uncomfortable things.”
Common reasons families avoid conflict:
- They believe talking about problems makes them bigger.
- They think maintaining “peace” is more important than resolving actual issues.
- They were raised in families where emotions were scary or dangerous.
- They don’t have the skills to have difficult conversations without them escalating.
- They’re afraid that if they start talking, everything will fall apart.
What happens in conflict-avoidant families:
When someone brings up an issue, others minimize it. “It wasn’t that bad.” “You’re being too sensitive.” “Why can’t you just let it go?” The person who wants resolution gets labeled as “the problem.” Meanwhile, the actual issue never gets addressed.
This creates a pattern where one person is always trying to resolve things and everyone else is always avoiding. The result is that nothing ever gets fixed. Instead, resentment builds until the relationship becomes so damaged it can’t be repaired.
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
You might think you’re being mature by not pushing the issue. By showing up for family events even when you’re hurt. By pretending things are fine when they’re not. But this strategy has a cost.
What unresolved conflict does to relationships:
You lose trust. Not just in the person you have conflict with, but in yourself. Because you’re not honoring your own feelings. You build resentment. Every time you interact with this family member, you remember what they did and that you never got to address it. The relationship becomes superficial. You can’t be authentic with someone when there’s a major issue sitting between you that you’re both pretending doesn’t exist.
What unresolved conflict does to you:
You carry it with you. Tension in your shoulders. Anxiety before family gatherings. Stomach problems. Your nervous system stays activated because the threat never got resolved. You ruminate, replay what happened over and over, and you script conversations in your head that never happen. This mental loop steals your peace.
The breaking point:
Most people can maintain the “let’s pretend it’s fine” approach for months or even years. But eventually something happens. A new conflict triggers all the old unresolved ones. And suddenly years of swept-under-the-rug issues come exploding out. This is when families blow apart completely. Not because of one issue. But because of 20 unresolved issues that nobody ever dealt with.
Three Ways to Address Conflict with Rug-Sweeping Family Members
You can’t force your family to have healthy conflict resolution skills. But you can change how you show up. Here’s how to address unresolved issues even when your family doesn’t want to.
Strategy 1: Name What’s Happening Out Loud
Most conflict-avoidant families operate on an unspoken agreement: we don’t acknowledge uncomfortable things. Your job is to break that agreement by naming what’s actually happening.
This doesn’t mean attacking or blaming. Instead, it means calmly stating the obvious that everyone is pretending doesn’t exist.
What this sounds like:
“I know we’re all acting like nothing happened, but I’m still upset about [specific event]. I need to talk about it.”
“Every time I try to bring up what happened, you change the subject. That makes me feel like my feelings don’t matter to you.”
“We’ve been avoiding this for months. I can feel the tension between us and I think we should address it.”
Why this works:
You’re pulling the issue out from under the rug and putting it directly on the table. This makes it much harder for the other person to continue pretending the problem doesn’t exist. They might still try to minimize or avoid. But at least you’ve clearly stated that you’re not participating in the pretense anymore.
What to expect:
They might get defensive. “Why are you bringing this up again?” or “I thought we moved past this.” That’s them trying to put the issue back under the rug. Don’t let them. Stay calm and repeat: “We didn’t move past it. We just stopped talking about it. Those aren’t the same thing.”
Here’s what this could look like:
You borrow money to your brother and he never paid it back. The family expects you to just “let it go.” Instead, you say: “I loaned you $3,000 eight months ago. You haven’t paid me back or even mentioned it. We need to talk about this.” Your brother tries to minimize it. But you stay firm: “This isn’t about the money. It’s about you not keeping your word.” The two of you have a difficult conversation. But for the first time, the issue was actually on the table.
Strategy 2: Set a Specific Boundary Around What You Need
When your family sweeps conflict under the rug, they’re sending a message: “Your feelings about this aren’t important enough to address.” Your response needs to be a clear boundary that says: “My feelings matter, and I need this resolved.”
A boundary isn’t about controlling what the other person does. Instead, it’s about stating what you need and what you’ll do if that need isn’t met.
What clear boundaries sound like:
“I need us to have a conversation about what happened. If we can’t talk about it, I’m going to need some distance from this relationship.”
“I’m not willing to pretend everything is fine when it’s not. I need you to acknowledge what you did and how it affected me.”
“If we can’t resolve this, I won’t be coming to family gatherings anymore. The tension is too uncomfortable for me.”
Why this works:
Boundaries give the other person a choice. They can either address the issue or they can deal with the consequence of not addressing it. This takes the decision out of limbo and makes it concrete. Either way, you’re no longer stuck in the painful middle ground of unresolved conflict.
What boundaries are NOT:
- Ultimatums designed to force someone to do what you want.
- Threats meant to punish or control.
- Ways to avoid your own responsibility in the conflict.
- Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not changing others.
Important note:
You have to be willing to follow through. If you say you’ll skip family gatherings if the issue isn’t addressed, you actually have to do it. Otherwise your boundaries mean nothing and your family will continue to avoid conflict knowing there are no real consequences.
Strategy 3: Have the Conversation Even If They Don’t Want To
Sometimes you need to address an issue whether the other person is willing or not. This doesn’t mean forcing them to engage. Instead, it means saying what you need to say and giving them the opportunity to respond.
How to initiate a difficult conversation:
Pick a private setting, not a family gathering. Send a text or email: “I need to talk to you about [issue]. Can we meet for coffee this week?” or “I’m going to call you Thursday evening to discuss what happened. I hope you’ll be willing to talk.”
When you connect, state your intention clearly: “I’m not here to fight. I want to understand your perspective and share mine so we can move forward.”
The structure for difficult conversations:
Start with facts, not interpretations. “When you [specific action], I felt [emotion] because [impact].” Let them respond without interrupting. Ask questions to understand their perspective: “Can you help me understand why you [action]?” State clearly what you need: “Going forward, I need [specific thing].”
What if they refuse to engage:
If they shut down, minimize, or refuse to talk, you’ve still done your part. Say this: “I can’t control whether you’re willing to talk about this. But I needed to let you know how this affected me. If you change your mind and want to discuss it, I’m open to that.”
Then you get to decide what happens next. Do you continue the relationship knowing they won’t address issues, create distance, or do you accept that this relationship will always be superficial? There’s no right answer. But at least you’ve tried.
Here’s what this could look like:
Your father made a hurtful comment at your wedding. He never apologized. When you brought it up, he said “Get over it.” You wrote him a letter that said: “What you said at my wedding hurt me deeply. I need you to acknowledge that and apologize. If you can’t do that, I need to limit our contact because I can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen.” He never apologized. You followed through with limited contact. It was painful. But it was better than continuing to show up for a relationship where your feelings didn’t matter.
What to Do When There Might Be Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt your own reality. In conflict-avoidant families, this often sounds like: “That didn’t happen.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” “You’re too sensitive.” “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”
This is one of the most damaging responses to conflict because it attacks your perception of reality itself. It’s not just “I don’t want to talk about this.” Instead, it’s “The thing you’re upset about isn’t real.”
How to respond to gaslighting:
Trust yourself first. If something hurt you, it hurt you. Your feelings don’t need to be validated by the person who caused them. State your reality calmly: “I remember it differently. This is how I experienced it.” Don’t argue about whose version is “right.” Focus on impact: “Regardless of your intention, here’s how it affected me.”
When gaslighting is a pattern:
If your family member consistently denies your perspective, minimizes your feelings, or makes you question yourself, this might be emotional abuse, not just conflict avoidance. In these situations, professional support is important. A therapist can help you trust your own perceptions and decide how to handle a relationship with someone who won’t acknowledge reality.
The Difference Between Forgiveness and Rug-Sweeping
Your family might tell you that bringing up old conflicts means you haven’t forgiven. That you’re holding grudges. That you need to “move on.” But there’s a huge difference between forgiveness and sweeping things under the rug.
What forgiveness actually is:
Releasing the desire for revenge or punishment. Accepting that what happened can’t be changed. Choosing not to carry resentment. Forgiveness is for YOU, not for them. It’s about your own peace.
What forgiveness is NOT:
Pretending the hurt never happened. Continuing the relationship as if nothing changed. Giving the person access to hurt you again. Never talking about what happened.
You can forgive someone and still need to address what they did. In fact, true forgiveness often requires acknowledgment first. Because how do you forgive something that was never acknowledged?
When forgiveness isn’t possible yet:
You can’t force yourself to forgive before you’re ready. Sometimes you need the other person to take accountability first, or you might need time and distance, and sometimes you need therapy to process the hurt before you can release it. All of this is normal. Don’t let anyone rush you into “forgiveness” that’s really just rug-sweeping.
When Unresolved Conflict Might Mean Reframing the Relationship
Sometimes you do everything right. You address the conflict directly, set clear boundaries, and give the other person multiple opportunities to engage. And they still won’t. They continue to minimize, avoid, or pretend it didn’t happen. At some point, you have to decide: can I have a relationship with this person in the same way knowing they’ll never address hurt they cause?
Signs a family relationship might not be to be reframed:
They consistently refuse to acknowledge their impact on you. They continue the same hurtful behavior after you’ve asked them to stop. Every interaction leaves you feeling worse about yourself. The relationship requires you to constantly minimize your own needs and feelings. You feel relief when you don’t have to see them.
What reframing a family relationship looks like:
This might mean reduced contact where you only interact at major family events, or a superficial relationship where you accept it will never be close.
Important reminder:
Limiting a family relationship because they refuse to address conflict isn’t giving up, especially after multiple attempts to address the issue. You’re recognizing what you need to protect yourself, and you’re taking actions. Not everyone gets to have access to you, especially if that requires you to accept ongoing harm.
FAQ About Addressing Unresolved Family Conflict
The key is framing. Don’t say “I’m still mad about what you did five years ago.” Instead, focus on the ongoing impact: “Something happened five years ago that we never addressed. It’s still affecting our relationship and I’d like to talk about it.” Or: “I know this happened a while ago, but it’s still bothering me. I need to understand your perspective so we can move forward.”
The difference is emphasis. You’re not dwelling on the past for its own sake. Rather, you’re addressing something from the past that’s still affecting the present. If they accuse you of holding a grudge, respond calmly: “If we had talked about this when it happened, I wouldn’t need to bring it up now. Because we didn’t address it then, I’m addressing it now.” At Therapy with Empathy in Ottawa, we help clients develop language for bringing up old hurts in ways that invite conversation rather than defensiveness.
This is a valid concern. Sometimes bringing up conflict does make things worse in the short term. The other person might get angry, defensive, or withdraw completely. However, you need to ask yourself: worse than what? Is it worse than continuing to pretend everything is fine while resentment builds? Worse than losing authenticity in the relationship? Or worse than carrying unresolved hurt for years?
Often the fear of “making it worse” keeps people stuck in relationships that are already bad, just quietly bad. That said, there are situations where addressing conflict might genuinely cause harm—for example, if the family member is volatile or abusive. In those cases, your safety matters more than resolution. A therapist can help you assess whether addressing a specific conflict is likely to be productive or whether other strategies (like limiting contact) are better for your wellbeing.
Conflict-avoidant families often scapegoat the person who wants to address issues. They label that person as “too sensitive,” “holding grudges,” or “causing drama.” This doesn’t mean you’re actually the problem. Instead, it means you’re threatening the family system that depends on pretending problems don’t exist.
Ask yourself these questions: Do I bring up conflicts to resolve them and move forward, or to punish people? Am I willing to hear the other person’s perspective, or do I just want them to admit they’re wrong? Have I done my part to take accountability for my role in conflicts?
If you’re genuinely trying to resolve issues (not just rehash them), if you’re willing to listen and not just be heard, and if you’ve taken responsibility for your own actions, then no, you’re not the problem. You’re just the only one willing to be honest about the dysfunction. Therapy can help you sort through whether your family’s accusations have merit or whether they’re projection.
There’s no universal timeline, but here’s a framework. Give them a reasonable opportunity to engage. This might mean bringing the issue up directly 2-3 times over a few months. If they consistently refuse or minimize, set a boundary: “I’ve tried to talk about this multiple times. If you’re not willing to address it by [specific timeframe], I’m going to need to [specific consequence].” Then follow through.
Most people wait too long hoping the other person will eventually be ready. But someone who has avoided a conversation for months or years is unlikely to suddenly decide they’re ready. At some point, their consistent refusal to engage is information. They’re telling you, through their actions, that maintaining the relationship isn’t worth having a difficult conversation. You then get to decide if that’s acceptable to you. Some people choose to accept superficial relationships with family members who won’t address conflict. Others choose distance or estrangement. Neither choice is wrong. It depends on what you can live with.
Getting Professional Support for Family Conflict
Navigating family conflict, especially in conflict-avoidant families, is incredibly difficult. You’re fighting against decades of patterns. You’re dealing with intense emotions. And you’re probably second-guessing yourself constantly because your family keeps telling you you’re wrong for wanting to address things.
Therapy can help in several ways. A therapist can validate that your desire to resolve conflict is healthy, not problematic. We can help you develop the skills to have difficult conversations effectively. We can support you in setting boundaries and dealing with the fallout. And we can help you process grief if you need to distance yourself from family members who won’t engage.
At Therapy with Empathy in Westboro, Ottawa, we work with people navigating complicated family dynamics and unresolved conflict. Using approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we help clients understand their family patterns, develop communication skills, and make decisions about relationships that aren’t serving them.
You don’t have to handle this alone. Book a free consultation or call our Westboro office to get support navigating family conflict.