Getting to the Other Side of a Breakup: How to Recover When It Feels Like Things Will Never Get Better

You wake up and for a split second, everything feels normal. Then you remember. They’re gone. The person you texted every morning. The one who knew how you like your coffee. The future you planned together. All of it is over.

People tell you “time heals all wounds” or “you’ll find someone better.” But right now, you can’t imagine feeling okay again. Because every song reminds you of them. Every place you go holds a memory. You can’t even enjoy the things you used to love because they’re all tangled up with someone who’s not there anymore.

Here’s what makes breakups so hard: you’re not just losing a person. Instead, you’re losing your daily routine, your future plans, your identity as part of a couple, and the version of yourself that existed in that relationship. That’s a lot of loss to process at once.

As therapists in Ottawa who work with people navigating breakups, we see this struggle constantly. Clients come in feeling broken, wondering if something is wrong with them because they can’t “just move on.” They compare themselves to their ex, who seems to be doing fine. They replay every conversation, looking for what they did wrong.

The truth is, healing from a breakup isn’t about moving on faster or finding someone new. Rather, it’s about learning how to exist as yourself again, without that other person. This guide will show you what actually helps when it feels like you’ll never get better.

Why This Breakup Hurts More Than You Expected

Not all breakups hurt the same way. You might have ended relationships before and been fine within a few weeks. But this one is different. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t focus at work, and you feel like you’re falling apart.

Several factors make some breakups devastatingly painful while others are just sad:

You didn’t see it coming: When a breakup blindsides you, your brain struggles to make sense of it. You thought everything was fine. Then suddenly it wasn’t. This shock makes the pain more intense because you couldn’t prepare.

You built your life around them: The more intertwined your lives were, the harder the separation. If you lived together, shared friend groups, or made major life decisions together, the breakup doesn’t just affect your relationship. Instead, it affects everything.

Your attachment style got triggered: If you have an anxious attachment style, breakups activate your deepest fear of abandonment. If you’re avoidantly attached, the loss of the relationship might threaten the independence you value. Either way, the breakup touches old wounds.

They were your emotional support system: If your ex was the person you turned to when things got hard, now you’re dealing with the breakup without your primary source of comfort. This creates a painful double bind.

You’re grieving multiple losses at once: The actual person. The future you imagined. The identity of being in that relationship. The daily routines you shared. Your self-esteem if they rejected you. That’s not one loss. Instead, it’s five or six losses hitting you at the same time.

The Three Stages of Breakup Recovery (And Why They’re Not Linear)

Breakup recovery isn’t a straight line. You don’t wake up one day magically over it. Instead, you move through stages that overlap, repeat, and sometimes hit you all at once.

Stage 1: Shock and denial (Days 1-14)

The first days after a breakup often feel surreal. Your brain hasn’t fully processed that the relationship is over. You might keep reaching for your phone to text them. You wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. This protective numbness helps you function while the reality slowly sinks in.

Stage 2: Emotional chaos (Weeks 2-8)

Once the shock wears off, the emotions hit hard. Sadness, anger, regret, anxiety, loneliness. Sometimes all in one day. You cry in your car, stalk their social media, and rehearse what you’d say if you could talk to them one more time. This stage feels endless but it’s actually your brain processing the loss.

Stage 3: Rebuilding (Months 2-6+)

Gradually, you start having moments where you forget to think about them. You enjoy something without wishing they were there. You make plans for your own future. The pain becomes less constant. However, even in this stage, you’ll have setback days where the grief returns. That’s normal.

The timeline varies wildly depending on how long you were together, how the relationship ended, and your support system. But most people feel significantly better within 3 to 6 months. Not “over it” completely. Just better.

Three Things That Actually Help You Recover

Most breakup advice tells you to “focus on yourself” or “get back out there.” But those vague suggestions don’t help when you’re crying in the shower at 2am. Here’s what actually works.

Strategy 1: Cut Off All Contact (Yes, Really All of It)

The single most important thing you can do to heal from a breakup is stop all contact with your ex. No texting, calling, checking their social media, and no “just being friends” right away. Nothing.

This sounds harsh. You might think you can handle being friends or staying in touch. But every contact resets your healing. Because every time you see them or talk to them, you get a hit of hope. Maybe they miss you, maybe they’ll change their mind, or maybe you can fix this.

That hope keeps you stuck in emotional limbo. You can’t grieve the relationship when part of you still thinks it might come back.

How to actually do this:

Delete their number. Remove them on all social media. Ask mutual friends not to talk about your ex around you. Delete old text threads. Put away photos. Remove anything that makes you want to reach out.

If you have to have contact (shared kids, shared lease, work together), make it business-only. No personal conversations. No asking how they’re doing. Just the practical information you need to communicate and nothing more.

What if they reach out to you?

Don’t respond. Or if you must respond, keep it to one word: “Thanks.” Then return to no contact. Every time you engage, you’re adding weeks to your recovery.

The exception:

If the relationship was healthy and mutual, you might be able to be friends eventually. But not now. You need at least 3 to 6 months of zero contact first. Let yourself fully grieve. Then see how you feel about friendship.

Strategy 2: Create New Routines That Don’t Include Them

After a breakup, your daily life has a person-shaped hole in it. All the routines you built around them suddenly don’t work. You used to cook dinner together. Now cooking dinner makes you cry. You used to watch that show together. Now you can’t watch it without thinking of them.

Most people try to fill this hole by doing the same things alone. But that just reinforces the loss. Instead, you need to create completely new routines that never included your ex.

Why this works:

Your brain associates certain activities with certain people. When you try to do “your” activities alone, your brain keeps expecting your ex to be there. The mismatch creates pain. But when you create brand new routines, there’s no expectation. These activities belong to single you, not couple you.

How to build new routines:

Pick one new thing to do each week. Join a class you’ve never tried. Go to a coffee shop in a different neighborhood. Take a different route to work. Start a new hobby. Watch a show that wasn’t “your show.” Cook meals you never made together.

These don’t have to be big things. Just different things. You’re teaching your brain that life without them can still include good experiences.

An example of what this could look like:

Imagine someone whose entire evening routine revolved around her ex. They’d cook dinner, watch TV, then go to bed at the same time. After the breakup, evenings were unbearable. If this person was working with us, we’d have her create a completely new evening routine: gym after work, meal prep on Sundays, reading instead of TV. Within a month, she’d ideally stop dreading evenings because they no longer reminded her of what she lost.

Strategy 3: Stop the Rumination Loop (Before It Takes Over)

Rumination is when your brain gets stuck replaying the relationship, analyzing what went wrong, and imagining different outcomes. You lie in bed going over every conversation, you create arguments in your head, and you check their social media looking for clues about how they’re feeling.

This rumination feels productive. Like if you just think about it enough, you’ll understand why it ended or figure out how to fix it. But rumination doesn’t solve anything. Instead, it keeps you emotionally attached and prevents you from moving forward.

Why your brain does this:

Your brain hates uncertainty. A breakup is full of unanswered questions. Why did they really leave? Did they ever really love you? Are they happier now? Could you have saved it? Your brain tries to answer these questions by analyzing every detail. But most of these questions don’t have answers.

How to interrupt rumination:

When you catch yourself ruminating, you need to physically interrupt the pattern. Stand up. Move to a different room. Do 20 jumping jacks. Call a friend. The goal is to break the thought loop by changing your physical state.

Then redirect your mind to something that requires focus. Not something passive like TV. Instead, something active like a puzzle, cooking a new recipe, or organizing a closet. Anything that engages your brain so it can’t keep spinning about your ex.

The thought replacement technique:

Every time a ruminating thought about your ex comes up, have a replacement thought ready. Not something like “I’m fine without them” because that’s not believable yet. Instead, something neutral: “That relationship is over. I’m building a different life now.” Repeat it every time the obsessive thoughts start.

Set boundaries with yourself:

If you must think about the relationship, give yourself a specific time. “I can think about this for 10 minutes at 7pm.” When the time is up, you’re done. This contains the rumination so it doesn’t take over your whole day.

What to Do When You See They’re Doing Fine (And You’re Not)

One of the most painful parts of a breakup is seeing your ex seemingly move on while you’re still falling apart. They’re posting on social media. They’re going out with friends. Maybe they’re already dating someone new. And you’re still crying every day.

This feels incredibly unfair. But here’s the truth: you don’t know how they’re actually doing. Social media shows what people want you to see. They might be struggling just as much but hiding it better.

Why this comparison hurts so much:

When you see your ex looking happy, your brain interprets it as evidence that they didn’t care as much as you did. Or that the relationship didn’t matter to them. Or that you’re the one with the problem because you can’t move on as fast.

None of that is true. People process breakups differently. Some people distract themselves by immediately jumping into a new relationship or going out constantly. That doesn’t mean they’ve healed. Instead, it often means they’re avoiding the pain.

What to do instead of comparing:

Stop looking. Seriously. Remove them as a follower or mute them so you can’t see their posts. Ask friends not to tell you what your ex is doing. Your healing depends on focusing on your own recovery, not monitoring theirs.

When you catch yourself comparing, remind yourself: “Their process is their business. My process is mine. I’m healing at exactly the right pace for me.”

The Things That Don’t Help (Even Though Everyone Suggests Them)

Some common breakup advice actually makes things worse. Here’s what to avoid:

“Get under someone to get over someone”:

Jumping into a new relationship or casual dating before you’ve healed doesn’t work. You’re not actually available emotionally. Instead, you’re just distracting yourself. When the distraction ends, you still have to deal with the original pain.

“Just stay busy”:

Constant distraction prevents you from processing your emotions. You need some time to sit with the sadness and let yourself feel it. Otherwise, it just builds up and hits you later.

“Focus on what they did wrong”:

Making your ex the villain might feel satisfying temporarily. But it prevents you from taking responsibility for your part and learning from the relationship. Plus, it keeps you emotionally tied to them through anger instead of love.

“Look how much better you can do”:

Your friends mean well when they trash-talk your ex. But this doesn’t help if you still love them. Instead, it makes you feel like your feelings are wrong or that you’re stupid for caring about someone your friends think is terrible.

When a Breakup Reveals Deeper Issues

Sometimes a breakup is just a breakup. The relationship ran its course. You weren’t compatible long-term. It hurts, but you heal and move forward.

Other times, a breakup reveals patterns that need professional attention. If you notice these signs, therapy can help:

You keep choosing the same type of person:

Every relationship follows a similar pattern. You’re attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or critical or who need “fixing.” Then you’re shocked when it ends the same way again.

You can’t function months later:

If you’re 6+ months out and still can’t work, sleep, or take care of yourself, the breakup may have triggered something deeper like depression or attachment trauma.

You have no sense of self outside relationships:

You define yourself by who you’re with. When single, you feel empty or lost. You jump from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone.

You blame yourself for everything:

You’re convinced the breakup was entirely your fault. You ruminate about every mistake you made. Your self-esteem is destroyed.

These patterns suggest that the breakup pain is connected to deeper wounds from childhood or past relationships. Working through these patterns in therapy prevents you from repeating them in future relationships.

Breakup Recovery Support in Ottawa

Healing from a breakup is more than just “getting over someone.” Instead, it’s an opportunity to understand your relationship patterns, strengthen your sense of self, and learn what you actually need from a partner.

At Therapy with Empathy in Westboro, Ottawa, we work with people navigating breakups and relationship loss. Using approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we help clients process the grief, understand their attachment patterns, and build confidence as individuals.

Whether your breakup was recent or you’re struggling with a relationship that ended months ago, therapy can help. Book a free consultation or call our Westboro office to get started.

You won’t feel this way forever. With the right support and strategies, you can get to the other side of this breakup and come out stronger.