Boundaries reflect how we allow others to engage with us. It’s also the way we communicate our needs to them in order to maintain healthy interactions.

The concept of boundaries can be new to a lot of people, and some find it hard to implement, especially if they’re worried about offending the other person.

Here are a few reasons why we avoid setting boundaries:

• Fear of hurting other people’s feelings;

• Concerns about being a bad friend;

• Fear of being “hated” by the other person;

• Getting the impression that they don’t really care about our boundaries;

• Wanting other people to always like us;

• Fear of being in conflicts with others;

• Being unaware of the need to set boundaries in the first place.

When To Set A Boundary

Setting boundaries is necessary when we feel uncomfortable, disrespected, frustrated, or resentful in any way. Knowing the need for boundary setting requires self-awareness.

You have to pay attention to feelings of discomfort, uneasiness, or the desire to withdraw when you’re around people you’re interacting with regularly.

If you find yourself constantly offended or complaining about something someone does to you, it may be time to set a boundary. Here are some signs to pay attention to:

• Noticing that your needs are not being met. It’s important to know that you deserve to ask for what you need in relationships. It’s okay to be assertive, and there is a way to do so kindly and firmly.

• Feeling drained and exhausted after your interactions: If your conversations are constantly depleting your energy, it’s a clear sign you need to set a boundary. It could be due to anything, from someone invading your personal space to making unsolicited comments, or demanding a lot of your time and attention.

• Compromising on your personal values: Our values are core beliefs that guide our actions. If when you’re around certain people you’re acting out of character and rationalizing behaviours that you know you’re uncomfortable with, it’s time to set a boundary.

Boundaries With Family

Boundaries with family can be challenging, but it’s important for your emotional well-being. At times, we may think that boundary isn’t compatible with family members because we want to please them, however as a result, you may be disregarding your own needs.

To set boundaries with family members, your first step is to determine whether a boundary is needed. You can go back to the “When to set a boundary” section and see if that would be applicable to your situation. Here’s what comes next:

• Clearly communicate your needs: Once you’ve decided that you need to set a boundary, you need to communicate it. Be sure to express your concerns in a way that is respectful, yet firm and assertive. As much as possible, use “I” statements, to ensure that the interaction is as less accusatory and confrontational as possible. Here are some examples:

  • “I need to prioritize my needs at this moment, Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help you with that task.”

  • “I feel disrespected when you use this tone with me. Can you speak to me in a more respectful manner?”

  • “I prefer not to discuss my personal life in big family gatherings.”

  • “I’m not able to support you financially, but I am willing to support you another way.”

• Be consistent: You have to remain consistent when setting boundaries with family members. They’ve probably been accustomed to speaking to interacting with you in any kind of way, while being blissfully unaware that those interactions were negatively impacting you. When you set a boundary, you’re breaking the pattern, therefore you might need to repeat it more than once.

• Reinforce the boundary: Other than being consistent, another way to reinforce a boundary is to follow-up with a consequence. That can look like communicating that you’ve been hurt, reducing contact with that person, setting limits on how much time you spend with them, or if all else fails, you may need to (temporarily) stop interacting with them. The latter is a very difficult decision, especially with family, however it could be the best way to prioritize your own well-being.

• Ask for help: Setting boundaries with family members can be emotionally challenging, particularly when they don’t understand or agree that a boundary is needed. If you’re finding it extremely difficult, ask for help from another family member that you feel close to, or seek the support of a therapist to help you navigate this transition.

I hope you find those tips useful! If you’re interested in reading more, check out the other blogs. 

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